A Little Princess

CYT

Christian Youth Theater

We are so blessed to have this opportunity for the girls, to enjoy being a part of

quality theater in a Christian environment.

This was only the third time Cassidy has opted to do a show,

and I'm so glad she did. I loved seeing both girls on stage,

they just made me smile every time I saw them.

 Daddy and his "seminary girls".

She was happy that she had a line in this show and got to wear a mic.

That is pretty much the goal of every girl in every show:-)

 Daddy and Cailin, who played "Becky", the best friend of the little princess.

This was such a great role for her and really stretched her acting ability.

She was an orphan who works as a maid and it about broke her Daddy's heart to watch her;

she was very convincing and pitiful!

 Nana always likes to see the last show,

 even though she and Papa both had already seen it opening weekend.

 The aftermath.

These are the boxes the girls carry to and from the show,

everyone has them,

and it is now a familiar sight to have these tubs full of shoes, misc clothes, notes, shoes,

perfumes, and occassionally food leftover from a forgotten lunch,

hanging out in my kitchen for days on end.

Eventually we will get motivated and cart them to the closet to wait for the next show.

 Inside a box... jazz boots and tights.

There is usually an ipod or phone in there, as well, to occupy them on long rehearsal days when they aren't called. I remember when their boxes used to contain polly pockets.

 Costume bags with the many outfits they wore, ready to go to the dry cleaners.

This is always what the house looks like for the week after, as we catch up on all the missed laundry and house cleaning that was neglected while we spent the past two weeks

 preparing for and performing the 8 shows.

It is exhausting, consuming for the whole family, and expensive, but I wouldn't miss it for the world.



To Remember

The Girls Winter 2011

Because I think I will always remember,

But I won't.

Hard

Sometimes it is just hard.
I like things to be easy and happy, with everyone doing what they are supposed to, and with a good attitude to boot.
I don't want to have to check for texts that I wouldn't approve, or remind my daughter (again) that she isn't allowed to listen to that particular radio station.
I don't want to ground the other daughter for poorly spoken words to me, as I rush her through her morning routine... rushing only because I allowed her extra sleep after a long, full weekend.
I don't want to hear, as we pull out of the driveway, that one is out of lunch money and now will not have time to pay at the cafeteria.  I will now need to pay it online, for a $2.50 fee. Fee to be paid this once, with grace, next time it will be her obligation.
I don't want to find wet towels on the floor, laundry outside the basket, or forgotten mugs of tea still on the vanity.
If I were doing this job, this mothering, "right", surely I wouldn't have to do these things. At least that is the lie I tell myself as I allow defeat to tire my soul.
But God.
God knows exactly what I need to hear. He knows I need a word of encouragement from another who has been there, who has doubted her abilities at this most important and all consuming task.
He knows I need a reminder that grace is needed for me and for them, my precious girls.
He knows that as much as I want todo this "right", I sometimes hide in books or screen time, escaping to images of beautiful homes and loving families. Seeking inspiration, yes, but in that journey missing beautiful moments of my own.
He knows what I need. I am so grateful that hard means worthy, and that nothing is too hard for Him.

Jeremiah 32:27
I am the Lord your God, the maker of all. Nothing is too hard for me.

Day Off

The girls don't have school today so the teachers can tally their grades.
Perfect timing, as we have 4 more shows of "A Little Princess" this weekend, and we are all tired. Cassidy is under the weather... I never know if it is allergies or illness, but she perseveres, and I try to be patient to her grumblings.
We slept in, I've worked, done some Bible study, laundered the sheets, and now am tackling the girls bathroom... clutter be gone!
Nothing exciting, but a good day nonetheless.

A Moment In Time

Focused, engaged, at peace, and oblivious to anything else.

This is how I want to be in God's Presence.

Absorbed by the moment.

Gratitude

Thankful to be thankful, on this day of love, the Source of true gratitude.



love given and received
pink heart shaped pancakes with chocolate chips
pantry full, and a family to cook for
home full of peace, hard fought for and not taken for granted
rowdy breeze in the trees, spring in the air
hearts turning towards obedience
legs intertwined in sleep, security and assurance in the night
a date with my husband and grandparents to love the girls while we are gone
a house silent on a saturday morning, but for the furnaces constant breathing
music, always

17-26

Sunday Letters

Once again I am joining in with Sunday letters to my family. Thanks for sharing this great idea, Deirdre!

 Dear Cailin,

You have looked so grown up to me this week, especially with your hair curled and  piled up on your head. I love seeing you grow, but oh, how I miss that chubby cheeked toddler who giggled and ran around the house in circles.

Driving you and your friends home from the movies Friday, it dawned on me that this is such a fleeting stage. I need to hold on to those loud giggles and singing (shouting?) from the back seat. Soon enough you will be driving your selves everywhere, and I will miss those conversations and laughter. Oh, sweet girl, I love middle school and don't want it to end! I'm so glad you were able to see the Justin Bieber movie, and tickled that we ran into Danie at the theater. What a bonus to add an unexpected friend to our numbers.

I love you and I love being with you.

Mommy

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Dear Cassidy,

Wow! You did it! You convinced us that we must have another dog, and Sadie will soon be sharing her princess throne with Mia! Thank you for your great attitude when asked to walk Sades. I know you really want to prove your responsibility to us, and we are thankful for your effort. Consider yourself warned- there will be lots more when Mia comes home- ha!

I loved seeing you work through your anger with Cailin this week. It has to be hard to be sisters so close in age with such different personalities. You both want to be best friends, but it's hard to remember that when fighting over the wii, or t.v., or hair accessories, or clothes, or the way you look at each other. Yikes! The song you wrote her is precious, and I love your willingness to share your heart with her. You amaze me, really, and I am so thankful God blessed me with you.

I love you sweet thing!

Mommy
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Dear Rusty,

I am so thankful things have quieted down slightly for you, even knowing it is the eye in the storm. God has brought me so much peace, and I hope you feel my support and pride.

Thank you so much for letting us add another dog. You absolutely spoil us all, and I love knowing that you would give us anything to make us happy. I hope you know we feel the same way about you!

I love that I left for the movies with 2 girls and arrived home with 5, and you didn't bat an eye, but just helped me tidy guest rooms and inflate air mattresses. Getting them all to rehearsal the next day on your own, while I went to buy the dog you don't even want, well that is above and beyond! You are a rock star Daddy. (I love the friends comment at breakfast that it was like being at a hotel... you do know how to put on a breakfast spread for your girls!)

Thank you for being such an amazing husband and Daddy. We love you!

Me

Bieber Fever

Tonight I have a date with my two favorite girls (and a friend).

3-D glasses, popcorn, and possibly ear plugs.

I LOVE this age!

Unexpected

Is there anything better than awakening to a surprise snow day?

I love unpredictability, so snow days are at the top of my list of happies in life.

Letting the girls sleep late while I enjoy unrushed Bible study and sweet tea is manna from heaven.

Rusty, knowing me, whispers softly as he leaves, "Snow Day. Go back to sleep, your tea is in the fridge."

He grins as if it is a gift he ordered just for me, and I know he would if he could.

Gifts everywhere, from the One Who can delight me.

And does.

Thankful

He is here, always.
When silence answers my prayers it is me, not listening.
He is always speaking, in the whispers of blessing I too often overlook.
I want to hear Him.
Thanks comes first, opening the path so His voice carries clearly, resonating in my soul.

I am so grateful my life includes
sun filtering through the trees, a cozy fire, sweet tea
the hugs of a sleepy girl awakening, and the puppy who kisses my tears away
friends who pray and parents who cherish
comfy yoga pants, my favorite blanket, a singer who moves me to cry
soup simmering and a stocked pantry
a husband who loves me imperfectly, and a God who helps me forgive
laughter uproarious ,
early morning sunrise and a night sky filled with stars

Gratitude 1-16

Sunday Letters

Dear Cailin,

Taking you to the AP Curriculum Fair at Daddy's school was full of so many emotions. Pride in you, sadness at the thought of you being a high school freshman, and excitement at this next phase of your life. Your Daddy was so proud to have you there, I thought he would burst! 

We were both so impressed at the way you approached each teacher and introduced yourself. You really didn't need us there, and you were like a ray of sunshine to everyone you met. It seems like you just started middle school- I cannot believe this is your last year already, but you're ready and are going to soar. I know that.

Thank you for working so hard to be responsible and help more at home. I really appreciate it, and the humble way you receive discipline. You are a force to be reckoned with and I love seeing where God is taking you. I know it was hard to see people being unkind to daddy this week, and you were so quick to want to defend him. We love that loyalty- it is all that matters to your Daddy... the words of strangers can't touch him as long as he is still the hero of his girls.

I love you Sweet Girl. So much.
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Dear Cassidy,

Wow! You have the tenacity of a pit bull, and I love it! You found out that Sadie's daddy is for sale and are determined to have him. You have worked so hard to show us how responsible you are, that you have almost convinced us, although I probably shouldn't tell you that! I love the little notes you leave for us around the house, and my favorite from this week was finding a note under my pillow, attached to a packet containing all your money that said, "This is for Lucas. But if we can't have him I want it back!". Cracked me up!

You are such a sweet girl, and have the tenderest of hearts. I know you sometimes struggle with controlling your words, and I have seen you try harder than ever this week. I am so appreciative of the effort required to "tame the tongue". It isn't easy for any of us and I am so proud that you want to be better.  I know God will honor your desire.

Thank you for loving your Daddy so much and wanting to defend him. Know that he doesn't care what anyone else thinks, as long as his family is proud of him, and you certainly proved that devotion this week. Thank you for loving him and encouraging him.

I love you Little Bit!
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Dear Rusty,

I love you.

I am proud of you.

You are exacly where you are because it is God's desire. Few men could make the impact on kids lives that you do, and keep the insane schedule that you do, without complaint. You never rest on your last achievement but are always reaching for the next best thing for the kids and teachers in your school. 

This week has probably been the single worst week you have ever endured, and yet you did so with grace and humility, and were such an example to our girls. You don't deserve what you have been faced with, and the girls and I have tried to temper our anger with the knowledge that God is with you, and He has your best interests at heart.  He will fight on your behalf, so we don't have to. 

This whole experience has been eye opening as I see the craziness that is part of your daily life, and I will say for the millionth time, "I would NEVER do what you do".  I'm glad you do, however, and are passionate. Your 15 minutes will soon be up, and we will be able to laugh at the absurdity. I hope you know, though, that your family and those who know you will always support you.

It is an amazing feeling to know that I am married to a man who is 100% willing to do the right thing, even at the expense of popularity, and even when you are going to have to stand alone. You are a shining example to our girls of everything a man of character is.

I love you and am so honored to be your wife.

Sunday Letters

I always enjoy the letters Deirdre writes her girls each Sunday, summarizing the week, and have decided to join her in this new series. The days fly by in a blur, so I am hoping this will be a good reminder of what filled those days, or at least what I was thinking as they passed me by.







Dear Cailin,

I am so proud of you as you have really worked hard this week to be responsible in your schoolwork. You have faced some challenges at youth group and praise team, and I'm sorry for the pain it has caused you, but I'm so grateful that you will share your heart with me.

We had so much fun last weekend at Great Wolf celebrating your birthday, and hearing you say it was your favorite birthday ever made it all worthwhile to me. I love you and I love your friends, and I want to be better about giving you opportunity to spend time with them.

I love you so much Doodles, and pray this week is full of the joy you bring to the world.

Love, Mommy


Dear Cassidy,

You really tried to be more cheerful in the mornings this week, and I appreciate your effort... you get your dis-like of mornings from me, so I understand the struggle. However, your bickering with your sister nearly made me want to snatch myself bald.  Have mercy! I am hoping this week involves us getting out the door without me screeching and then lecturing all the way to the bus stop.

I loved seeing you spend time with a new school friend and hearing your giggles; girls are so fun!

I love you Little Bit. I can't wait to see what this week brings.

Love,

Mommy


Dear Rusty,

Thanks for working with me.

I feel like we are becoming a better team, and I'm so thankful for everything  you do. You really are Superman.

I love you,
Me

As I have written this the girls have gotten into a dispute over clothes and I am ready to go back to bed and hide. Ugh! Maybe tomorrow morning will be peaceful?

Peace Comes Down

Unexpectedly, snow is falling again.
The weathermen didn't predict it, so I almost didn't believe my eyes.
I guess God doesn't need their forecasts to do His bidding.
I am so thankful for this cozy and peaceful start to the day.

Snow

This time yesterday we were thankful to be home; having driven treacherous roads home from Cailin's voice lesson, in the the snow that had started suddenly and furiously.
The chili had been simmering in the crockpot all afternoon, and Rusty built a roaring fire once he finished filling up the snow blower, preparing it for early morning duty.
We ate by the fire, watching a movie and napping, then let the girls have a sister sleepover in Cassidy's room.
Rusty was so sweet to blow up the air mattress so they each had their own space, and pulled the extra electric blanket out so Cailin was toasty on the blown up bed.
Sadie nestled in with her, and we were out for the night.
An evening that had been scheduled for a late night at school for Daddy and youth group for the girls and I turned into a lazy night together at home.
I love snowy evenings and the peace they insist on bringing.

Girls Are Fun

We celebrated Cailin's 13th birthday, by going to Great Wolf Lodge, with her sister and best friends this weekend.
Her birthday was last May. Timely, hm?
Actually, it only happened as the result of my resolution to be more intentional this year.
Life slips away if we don't plan, if we don't "just do it".
So we did, and it was a blast!
More for the girls than me, honestly, because who likes being awakened at 2 a.m. by a cell phone ringing (Cassidy rolled over on it and it started playing some ridiculous ring tone. I wasn't the nicest at the moment, but in the morning it was pretty funny.), and a bathing suit in February is cruel if you aren't 13.
Despite the lack of sleep and humiliation of my tankini, I really enjoyed the time anyway.
I loved listening to the whispers and giggles, and observing the dynamics of 12 and 13 year old girls.
I was grateful for a husband who gave me an envelope of cash and didn't complain, despite the fact that January is the TIGHTEST financial month we have.
I was blessed to spend hours of  mostly uninterrupted time poolside, reading a book on fasting and , when my brain was overloaded, the latest Southern Living.
I even learned to let teenagers be teenagers and stop harping at them about their cocoa puffs battle, one that netted me a few chocolate puffs of my own.
The girls enjoyed some alone time in the teen hangout and arcade, and I got plenty of exercise hiking from our room to those same locations so I could surreptitiously peek in and see for myself that they were safe.
Most importantly, they enjoyed the gift of time together. And lots of junk food.

The Girls

Back In The Saddle

Operating on not enough sleep, I feel like our first morning back in routine was better than expected.
Two girls to school, on time, check.
One dog walked, check.
Dishwasher emptied and reloaded, check.
Beds made, check.

Now to tackle the to do list that I have been ignoring for 2 weeks.

Happy Monday!

Overly Ambitious?

I love, love, love a new year and the anticipation of what is to come.
A brand new planner, a clean home after the Christmas decorations have been put away, and the hope of cozy days inside inspire me to create not only resolutions, but a hefty "to do" list as well.
So here's what I am aiming for this year:

• More reading of books and less of blogs.
• Being intentional about my time and efforts.
• Eliminating excess, from stuff to obligations to relationships.
• Adding scripture memorization to my daily Bible study.
• Seeking opportunities to reach out to others.
• Blessing my daughters with more responsibility around the house.
• Organizing photos and videos.
• Playing more games as a family.
• Painting, purging, and creating window treatments.

Oh, I guess I should add lose weight, be more active, and drink more water. Because those are a given, right?

Better Than Good

It's funny. When I try to be objective and detail some hard things that happened in 2010, I can't. I just can't do it.
Not because 2010 didn't hold its share of disappointments, misunderstandings, and really hard moments, but because even in the less than stellar hours, I truly feel blessed to live each new day.
I know I am a glass half full kind of girl, but it isn't because I am in denial.
Rather, it is because I know that my God has good things planned for me, and the hard times? Those are bumps in the road; they don't define where I am going or who I am, they are just that, bumps that try to knock me off course, but can't succeed if I keep my eyes focused on the One Who guides me.
I admit, there are moments when I allow my focus to be on those obstacles, and I pout and question, sometimes even having a full blown pity party for me or my family.
But then, I think of all the blessings that God has lavished on me, and I realize those difficulties are minuscule in the shadow of the One Who created the world. His hand is still not waxed short, He still sits on His throne, watching and leading.
So my hope for 2011 is that I would choose to trust Him even more, and that my moments of doubt and fear would vanish in a cloud of faith.
Happy New Year!

So this is Christmas

i have been silent with not much to say but lots on my mind.
i have tried to be intentional this season and keep the focus on Jesus.
it has been so much more peaceful yet i still struggled with overdoing the shopping.
baby steps.
maybe next year we can tone even that aspect down.
it is hard to find a happy medium but i am determined.
we leave tomorrow for a week in the cabin, tucked in the woods with nothing to do except enjoy one another.
i have a lot to do today before we are ready to go.
Merry Christmas.

home sweet home

i was gone all week on business. this is the first time I have ever gone overnight, so i am thankful for that.
i don't plan on doing it again.
turns out I am a homebody.
it was almost worth it for the huge hugs Cassidy gave me when i returned.
she is rather stingy with her hugs typically, so this was clearly a treat born of absence.
hotels, even nice ones with down comforters and soft towels, are very lonely.
cookies in the lobby by the fireplace every evening helped.
as did facebooking with my 13 year old at home in her cozy bedroom.
i corrected her on something she wrote (privately) and told her i was always watching her. haha. loved that!
she still wrote back that she loved me. she is a good girl like that.
my baby turned 12 last weekend and i still haven't been able to write about it, but i will.
i love her so much and want her to stay small.
she does too, which stole my heart!
the dog won't leave my side, i guess she missed me too.
it is so, so good to be home. to have a home. to have a family.
God has burdened my heart for orphans recently. i'm not sure what this is leading to, but i want to obey.
i wish everyone had a home and family.
it's good to be back.

Questioning

i seem to be questioning everything lately.
not my beliefs, but how they are lived out, and represented in the choices and associations we make.
maybe this is the result of making a radical (for our family) change.
maybe it is that, because of our obedience to make that change, God has taken off our blinders and blessed us with deeper insight in other areas.

i don't know why, but i do know where.

in youth group when cailin shares the lesson and something in it resonates a warning in my soul.
in a group of christian girls who quote scripture yet blatantly travel as an exclusive clique.
in manipulative statements written on facebook.
in the lessons taught our youth leaning heavily on do's and don'ts, and less on why.
in lives so full of normal there is little time for extraordinary.

i am questioning... knowing the answers will come.

i don't know when, but i do know from Where.

Tuesday Thoughts

• Waking up with the same migraine that sent you early to bed last night will inspire a very unique dog walking outfit. Bra optional being the scariest part of the get up.
• Home made soup in the fridge, to quickly warm up, makes almost anything better!
• I am married to the most generous and selfless person I know.
• I don't like it when my girls are sick, but I do love taking care of them.
• Penguin cool mist humidifiers from Target are fun. 
• I think I have decided to wrap all our Christmas presents in brown kraft paper this year.
• Today is my Mom's birthday. I love her so much, even though we are very different. The fact that she always celebrated my uniqueness from her, instead of feeling offended, is one of her best mothering qualities, and one I try to share in my own parenting.  She really is amazing... flexible, fun, and way cooler than I am or ever was.
• Our house is finally starting to feel like our home, after nearly 2 years. I think I am a slow adaptor, maybe.
• My baby turns 12 Saturday. It doesn't seem possible.
• We have officially begun playing Christmas music.

It is going to be a great day, just because it is a gift to be alive.

Not Counting Shopping Days

I planned to do this study last year, "Preparing My Heart for Advent" by Ann Marie Stewart , in an attempt to return my thoughts to the real meaning of Christmas, and not just the mile long shopping list I faced. Unfortunately, busy-ness won, and so I shelved it in anticipation of studying it this year.

So I am excited to begin, this morning, to prepare my heart for Advent... to think on things other than shopping and decorating, and pray that this season will truly be one which I remember for more than the gifts under the tree.

His

I was just thinking.

They really are His.

As Christians, we all say that, believing it, since He said it.

But today, I felt it.

Really felt that they are Someone else's,

and I am just taking care of them for a while.

Am I speaking to them in the way that He would desire?

Are the decisions I'm making for them according to His will?

Is what I am doing pleasing to Him?

But then, I felt the gratitude of knowing,

 in a wave of comfort and peace,

that He is always steering me in the right direction.

That He chose me to be their Mom.

That He will give me everything I need.

He is.

Not only am I their Mommy, but still His child as well.

He has us covered, all of us.

Cook's Country

I love this magazine!

They test standby recipes (as well as local specialties) and perfect them,

making them delicious and also easy and fast to prepare.

Apparently there is also a show on PBS,

which I haven't seen.

But I will be looking for it.

Especially since it is filmed on this farm, in this house. 

Is this not a dream home, or what?

Apparently this farm still has a few cows and a dairy barn.

Not too many years ago, when it was a 200 acre working farm,

they used to drive the cattle down the main street from the pasture

to the barn for milking.

Doesn't that sound enchanting?

Of course in today's world we would all be so impatient to get

where we were going, that the inconvenience

 of waiting for the cow parade to pass

would be intolerable.

I miss those slower days.

Trivial Pursuits

Cailin ate her breakfast at the kitchen counter while Cassidy primped her hair in the bathroom mirror.

We had 10 minutes until I needed to start barking out orders and rushing everyone to the bus, so it was the perfect time to steal away to my office for a few minutes of facebook and blogging.

After a few minutes I felt convicted that these free moments are precious and few, and would be better spent with the girls instead of on the computer, so I immediately popped up the stairs to the kitchen.

As I topped the stairs and could see Cailin's stool, it was bare. She wasn't there any more, she had wandered off in my absence.

The image of the dimmed kitchen, empty now, hit me with an almost physical force. She was gone, and I had missed her.

For the moment she was just down the hall, but too soon, she will be in a dorm or a home of her own, with Cassidy soon to follow, and my kitchen will be empty every day.

I know that God chose to use this morning to speak to me, to remind me of what is truly important, and where my time is to be spent.

The days are fleeting, and as endless as some of them seem, that is an illusion. I want to make better choices, I want to be present, I don't want to miss those moments that may be no more than filling a milk glass, because no matter how trivial, they are with the ones I love.

There is nothing trivial about that.

The Good Life

I'm not really a fan of the morning.

Actually, I love mornings once I am awake,

it's just the waking up part

that I struggle with.

So this morning, when Rusty's alarm went off at 5:20

it was very out of character for me to hop out of bed

and get started with the day.

I popped a load of laundry in the dryer ,

(at 10:00 last night I realized Cailin's PE uniform needed to be washed)

put the tea kettle on to boil

 so the girls could have their hot cocoa and tea,

and then started folding the towels that had been blocking

the door to the laundry room for a few days.

Or maybe for a week.

I opened the blinds, made the bed,

and then enjoyed a leisurely time of prayer and journaling.

Mundane or not, as I bustle around the kitchen,

prepping a roast for the crock pot and sorting out the pantry,

I feel so blessed that I get to be the one doing this for my family.

 Cooking, cleaning, and washing out PE uniforms aren't glamorous,

but knowing I will always have things taken care of for the girls,

and that home is here ready for their return,

is a reassurance that is priceless. 

I think glamour must be over - rated, anyway.

I love 13

Only a 13 year old would talk on her cell phone while jumping on the trampoline.

I love this age.

The Really Bad Before

When we looked at this house over a year ago, we fell in love with the neighborhood and the woods surrounding us. The high ceilings and beautiful trim work captivated Rusty,  and even though we recognized that a lot of the house wasn't our style, we weren't scared of the challenge.

We love renovating and putting our stamp on our home, and with my ideas and Rusty's effort, we're a great team. (Yes, he insists that a paintbrush fits my hand, too, but let's not test that theory, 'kay?)

As we toured the main level I saw changes I would want to make, but nothing that prepared me for what I would want to do when I saw the  master bath...

Yes, that is an extremely narrow door, and no, we aren't abnormally narrow people!

However, that is probably a good thing because we certainly never wanted to go through that door to the moldy interior, blech! You can't see the "best" part, which is the black and pink flowered powder room, which really sets off the mauve toilet and tub. I told Rusty it takes a real man to use a pink potty!

Everywhere we looked there were different, albeit consistently ugly, finishes that led me to nick name the bathroom the "train wreck".

But we agreed that we could do ugly for a while, and boy did it qualify, so we have been living with the pink and gray, and schlepping  our toiletries down the hall to the girls bathroom for showers while we saved and dreamed. Hallelujah, the time has come and Momma is gonna get a new bathtub! We are a few weeks into our reno, and I am beginning to have hope that I may shower without looking like a college coed one day soon.

Nothing, But It Was Good

Tonight was filled with nothing. I got home late and found Papa and the girls relaxing in the basement, with Cassidy making paper beads and Cailin sniffling through the cold she has been fighting since Saturday.

After a 2 1/2 hour drive home, which fell on the heels of a 3 hour meeting, which had been preceded by a 2 1/2 hour drive there, I was a tad bit lazy sleepy, and ever so grateful for the white chicken chili in the crockpot. I kissed the girls, heard some stories about bus and boys drama (one and the same... life lesson 12,001... when one boy tells another boy that you like him, boy #1 really likes you and is testing the waters), and crashed for a few minutes to read email and blogs.

Cailin joined me while I cleaned the kitchen and shared more about her day and her school work, or lack of it, which is an entirely other post. Cassidy had expanded her paper bead jewelry making to head bands and came upstairs to snatch a few old ones for her efforts, and Cailin and I snuggled on the sofa. I didn't enjoy seeing her under the weather, but took full advantage of the cuddles resulting.

A load of towels in the washer, supplements doled out (and then again when Cailin tried to pass hers off to her sister),  cough medicine given and Vick's salve rubbed in, and we were off to bed. Prayers, giggles, hugs and kisses, a few more sniffles from Cailin and an extra kiss from Cassidy, and the night is done.

An evening filled with absolutely nothing, and yet one that filled my heart.

Cozy Fall Evenings

This Weekend I...

• Enjoyed catching up with friends, while our children auditioned for A Christmas Carol.
• Spent a Friday night at home doing very little beyond reading decorating blogs.
• Enjoyed the beautiful fall weather at our annual day of Nascar, at the Richmond Races with some of our favorite friends. The people watching cannot be surpassed and is one of the highlights of my year. This time was no exception as the "shirtless cowboys" tailgating next to us decided to lasso one another. Have mercy!
• Watched the girls jump for hours on the trampoline Daddy and Papa set up Saturday morning.
• Underestimated the physical ability required to remain standing on a trampoline when 2 monkeys are jumping and doing their best to terrorize their mother. Laughed hysterically at the image I must have made.
• Spent some quality time at Home Depot looking for tubs and tile for our bathroom renovation.
• Read "The Fixer Upper" by Mary Kay Andrews in guilt free peace, since Rusty was in the mood for delivery pizza for dinner. Not cooking Sunday dinner is a rare treat and great ending to the weekend.

Hold On Tight

I love this hug. Sums up everything I think sisters should be about. 

It reminds me of the way I am clinging to God right now, as I process

the changes I hadn't foreseen in our family.

I love knowing that He is holding on to me just as tightly,

and He promises never to let go.

Joy Comes In The Morning

Today when I awakened, I felt it. That first sparkling glimmer of hope breaking through the bleak despair that has held my hand these past weeks. A sense of "me"  struggling, as if swimming through deep water, trying to break the surface and reach the luminous light at the top. Yet I realize it isn't me who is breaking free, it is the Holy Spirit in me, acting as lifeguard, carrying me to safety while I rest easily in His arms, passively watching to see where He is taking me.

I know now that it will be ok, this new place I am journeying to. It will be better than ok because He orchestrated it, He planned it, and He has been so eager to show me this new place. The wailing and gnashing of my teeth as I fought Him on this voyage didn't alter the course or make Him doubt his plan, rather it saddened Him that I was missing out on the great things He was taking me to. He wanted me to celebrate, and instead I chose to doubt and wonder, making comparison instead of looking with expectancy .

I asked Him to make me different. I asked Him to show me the best for my family, to draw us to Him and to seek Him desperately. And then I thought He misunderstood. His directions were not what I asked for, this must be a test. If I passed, He would set us back on the better course, the one which makes sense to me. But then, He spoke, and finally, I listened. The  quote that has been on my sidebar for over a year, has been waiting patiently for the day I would read it with an open spirit, and know I had received my answer.

"When you and I desire God's best for us, but become annoyed when He steps in to change the course of our lives, we rebel against the very thing we prayed for." Priscilla Shirer

First Day Of School

The girls are ready for their new adventure! I'm not, but I am not known for my love of change. Deciding to leave our Christian school the night before school started was the hardest decision of our life. Praying God has an amazing plan for them and trusting Him to lead us where we never planned to go.

Topsy Turvy

I feel like I am in a dream in Alice In Wonderland, nothing is as it should be. We aren't going to the Christian school we have attended for 8 years, but instead are going to a public school we never even considered until 2 weeks ago, and I am hearing people say the very things I myself said for years, now in shock and disbelief.

For example, Rusty's high school played our former (as of yesterday!) Christian school tonight. It was surreal. Yesterday Cailin was a cheerleader for that school, and today her team mates were texting her messages of anger at her abandoning them. As we chatted with friends, one of the students said "Jesus loves you" to the public school players, as if this was a foreign concept that only Christian school kids would know. Yuck! Double yuck!  I saw football players scoffing at some of the kids from the other school, in a superior attitude not Christlike at all. My heart hurts at the reality that the utopia I imagined was a farce, an illusion I created to make myself feel I was doing the absolute best I could do for the girls, when in fact, kids are kids everywhere, and unfortunately, many in private schools are elitist Christians- an oxymoron if I ever saw one. I am so ashamed that I may have shared that false pride in their school, so ashamed!

Rusty welcomed the visitors to his (public and rural) school, and even took free popcorn over and passed it out in the stands. I was so proud of him, and felt like a breath of fresh air filled my spirit. He was living his faith instead of talking about it. In that moment I realized, no matter how hard and no matter how alone I may feel, we made the right choice. God is NOT only in Christian schools, but He is most definitely ONLY in Christians, wherever they may be.

Father God, please forgive me for my prejudices and preconceived notions. Cleanse my heart and soul, and bless my girls wherever they go, that they know You are with them and guiding them.

Never Say Never

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Except we won't be there. The girls friends have been called, and told the news that they won't be there in matching outfits after all, because they are going to go to public school. For the first time ever... for middle school.

This was never my plan. Never our plan. Yet here we are. I have to believe it is God's plan, and that means it is better than we could have hoped or imagined.

I hope so.

No Matter What

I'm discovering that it's easy to feel peace and joy when things look like they are going according to my plan.
I don't mind "relinquishing control" when God seems to be leading in the direction I would like to go.
I love my husband being the leader of my home, when he makes the choices I would like to make.
But I'm not quite sure what to do when the answers start looking like "no".
When do I continue to pray and believe, knowing in my heart the desires there were planted there by God?
When do I let them go, knowing He gave me a husband to protect and guide me, and who would never make a decision that wasn't in our family's best interest?
I cling to the knowledge that God is for me, and so I will trust in hope, no matter what.

Will They Ever Stay Home Again?

Cailin in her first cheer uniform,

getting ready to leave for a week of camp.

I'm so proud of her for trying out for the jv squad, as an 8th grader,

and making it even though it was her first time cheering.

I hope she has a great week with her friends

and learns all kinds of new techniques.

However, I did mention to her that if she wanted to

stand off to the side and just applaud her teammates,

instead of being a "flyer" I would be totally ok with it:-)

To add insult to injury, while she is at camp

Nana and Papa are taking Cassidy camping,

so I am, once again, home without my girls!

Oh, well, it gives Rusty and I the opportunity to clear out the

basement so we don't look like we belong on Oprah as hoarders!

Colossians 3

I may be the last to notice this, but Colossians 3 is like a hand book for the family. It is so powerful I have started reading through it each morning during my devotions, to encourage me and remind me of what God expects of me.
Today this verse really spoke to me...
Colossians 3:15: Let the word spoken by Christ have its home and dwell in you in all its richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom (in spiritual things, and as you sing) psalms, making melody to God with His grace in your hearts.

To Do

I love lists.

I love writing my "to do" list for the day, and then checking off each item as it is completed.

I also love to keep my lists, and look back at them. It's reassuring, really, to see that I actually am accomplishing things in my days and not just spinning my wheels, as it often seems.
Lately I have been carrying a spiral bound journal that I found on clearance at Pier One. It has a fun cover and smooth pages. (I'm a stickler for the feel of paper to write on, as well as the pens I use. Quirky much?)
I am loving it because I can look back and see exactly what was going on in our life at that time, and it brings back such sweet memories.

"Take Cailin's costume to the cleaners",  immediately takes me back to those fun and crazy days when she was performing as Little Alice" in "Alice In Wonderland" last fall. She grew in her confidence so much in that role, and had such sweet times with her cast mates.
In another, older, book I found names and numbers of cardiologists, written in a shaky hand and with lots of nervous doodles. I remember making those notes as we decided on the surgeon who would do my Dad's triple bypass. I remember every detail of that day, the light in my office, the way I was sitting with feet up on the desk, crying intermittently as I researched his condition and spoke to physician's offices. Now it is a testimony to God's grace and healing hand as we celebrate the two year anniversary of his restored health. (Praise God!)

Another page mentions mundane tasks like trips to the library, returns to make, and items to pick up at the grocery store. People to call and school parties to plan fill a corner of another days notes, and reminders to record my debit receipts show up on nearly every days agenda.

It's interesting that when I make these lists it really is just a way to keep me focused and on track in the hectic days that are our life. They are generic things that every mother in America is doing, nothing special, yet when I look back at them, they have the added bonus of memory attached to them. They are our life on paper. Memories of those tasks hold  deep emotions as they are less a reflection of what I needed to do, and more of what God has done.

What a tangible reminder that no matter what  I have to do, I know God will be the One to get it done.

Whispers

If you ask God to speak to you, He will.

But be ready, because there is no greater thrill

than hearing Him address the very thing you have prayed for.

The challenge is to be still and hear, and then to step out and obey.

I love the adventure that is life in Him.

A Cross Roads

I am so blessed to be their mother.

Am I doing this most important job justice?

I make sure they have all the necessities and shuttle them, gladly, to their many activities.
I make their meals and welcome their friends. I tuck them in and wake them for breakfast.
As we go about our days, I sneak in tidbits of wisdom  regarding friends and life, and pray that it settles into the crevices of their hearts.
Yet this morning, as I look at our time together as a family, I feel that I'm missing something. Something unidentifiable yet critical.
I feel like there are desires God has planted in my heart that I have ignored because of the sacrifice they would require.
I am afraid of rocking the boat, of fighting for something I'm not even 100% certain I should be seeking anyway.
I weigh the "what ifs", and fear making wrong decisions and having to live with the consequences.
I worry about being alone in my beliefs in a situation that desperately cries out for unity.
I am seeking, but I'm not brave enough to take the first step.
My greatest fear is missing the opportunity and blessing because of indecision.
My faith is tested. 

It's All Good

Preparing for tomorrows meeting with a client.

A physical for camp and the dreaded 6th grade shots.

Picking up Cailin's cheerleading uniform and dropping off her 8th grade class requests.

Emptying leftover boxes from our move, 15 months ago.

Purging toys that have remained untouched since being unpacked.

Reminding myself to see the blessing, even in a mundane day.

(View of Jordan Pond in Acadia National Park)

Good Answer

She is hanging with Nana and Papa today while I work.
Daddy just got a call that she is going to Petco with Nana.
He asked her why she was going to Petco.
Her answer?
"Because I can."


Well when you are with Nana
I guess that answer applies to most questions, now doesn't it?
(This picture doesn't really have anything to do with shopping with Nana,
but it's one of the few she allowed us to take with me loving on her, so I had to include it.
This was on our "Old Fashioned, Family Fun Vacation to Maine". We had stopped at
a road side area to picnic in New Hampshire.)

My Sunshine

"You are my sunshine, do you know that?".
I say this to her at least once a day, every day, and it's true.
She's always good for a hug, and always has a ready smile.
We dropped her off at camp yesterday, and I am already counting the days until my next hug.

(Cassidy is also counting the days, since she is not such a hugger,
 and is getting twice her share until her sister comes home!)

Date Night

I am so thankful to parents who love spending time with their granddaughters, and encourage Rusty and I to have date nights.

Mom spent the day watching the girls while I went to Richmond for meetings, and then took them to tumbling, where she is undoubtedly watching through squinted eyes. Cailin is learning to do back hand springs and Nana is not a fan of anything that involves feet leaving the ground. In fact, she already explained to Cailin that she may not ever see her performing with her cheer leading squad this year since she is a "flyer", and that requires Nana to spend extra time in prayer. Therefore, whenever she is performing Cailin shouldn't be surprised to see Nana's eyes closed. Cailin just laughs. She knows her Nana. Nothing surprises her.

After tumbling they are off to Nana and Papa's house for a sleepover, and Daddy and I have the night to ourselves. Some sweet neighbors blessed us with a gift card to a favorite restaurant, and after dinner we are debating a movie or perusing the aisles of Home Depot for items for our upcoming bathroom renovation. (Praise the Lord. No man should have to endure pink fixtures for over a year. Rusty has paid his dues!) I am voting for Home Depot and a Redbox movie at home.

As I plan our evening I'm thinking Rusty is a lucky man, if I say so myself. Between the gift card and $1.00 movie, I am one cheap date... and willing to price potties to boot! I'm pretty lucky, too, though... having an evening to just hang out together is truly priceless.

He Rocks Our World

The girls and I are so thankful for this guy.

He was especially handy on vacation.

He was our back pack wearing super hero and carried our pursess

(and snacks and water!) everywhere. The girls loved it (NOT!) when he and I sang the Dora song "Backpack, backpack" before every excursion.

I love him even when he sees me approaching with another "BE CAREFUL" warning,

 and pushes our daughter off the rock she is standing on,

(which I happened to think was on the edge of the cliff )

He thinks he is sooo funny. I do too, in spite of myself.

I love him because he is game for anything and poses for

silly pictures.

I love the way he is truly present when he is with us, and involved with the girls.

He works hard and has long days,

 but when he is home with us he is a part of whatever we are doing and not distracted.

I love the fact that he has no pride and will pose with his dinner for me.

Better yet, I love that he shared it!

Back To Reality

Two weeks with my family was a dream come true.
Today I am back to work, and even though I am looking forward to hearing from my clients, nothing will replace the pure joy I felt each morning I was off,  knowing that the only people counting on me were my girls and husband.
What a gift that was, and one that has left me feeling changed, somehow.
The peace of  the New England landscape seemed to fill up something in my spirit that I never knew was empty.
The rugged coastline and its roaring silence...there was no sense of urgency or of rushing from one task to another.
For the first time in my life slowing down seemed like a good thing.
I don't want to go back to the way things were, yet I don't know how my days will be different.
I just know this time away and this trip was good, it was a gift from God, and I want this peace to linger.

Hope

I want a do-over.

I want to have patience with Cailin when she can't find the jeans that "don't make her butt look funny"...I want to be calm with Cassidy when she is being disrespectful in her speech to me...I want to wake up early enough to pray before the girls are up so I will have a reserve of grace to draw from...I want to remember that this is only one morning of chaos and not an indictment of my parenting, or representative of every morning to come.

Tomorrow will come, and there will be my chance for a do-over.

Thank You Lord that your mercies are new every morning.

Stages

I love books. I love to read. I love information. So wherever I am in life, I seek out books on the subject and pore over them, calming myself that I am not the only one who has traveled this road, and hopefully finding some answers to make the journey a little easier. Consequently, we have many, many titles on hand for nearly every phase of parenting.

It should come as no surprise, then, that my bookcase is like a mini-scrapbook of my life, reflecting the various stages I have already passed through as well as some on hand for the future. Case in point, "The Girlfriends Guide to Toddlers" shares a shelf with "Your Girl: A Bible Study for Mothers of Teens", "The Mission of Motherhood", and "Making Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours".

As she looked on a jam packed book shelf for the concordance last night, it was the titles "I Refuse To Raise a Brat" and "Parenting The Fussy Baby and High Need Child" that Cassidy took offense to, however. Sorry to say, we have been there and done that! Moving right along to "Dateable" and "Raising a Spiritually Sound Daughter", ugh, these topics make sleeping through the night look easy!

Cailin

She is beautiful, with a smile that lights up a room.
She awakens with a smile, ready to face the world.
She is easy going, unless you are her sister and you touch her things. Then she is a special kind of crazy.
She loves her friends, her dog, and laughter.
She is completely present when she is with you, and makes you feel  important.
She isn't easily swayed by others opinions, but is very teachable when coached or disciplined.
She has the tenacity of a pit bull and pushes the boundaries constantly.
She has a natural sweetness that balances the pit bull and keeps her mother from insanity.
She loves field hockey, theater, gymnastics, horse back riding, and (recently) doing her hair and makeup.
She is fiercely independent and will try anything. Except tomatoes.
She loves to sing and surprises with a big voice from such a tiny body.
She is always the shortest one in any group. She is ok with that.
She loves her Nana and Papa. Fiercely.
Her hugs are not for the timid.
She loves as she lives, with her whole heart.
She is my baby girl. My rock star. The one who made me a Mommy.
And now she is a teenager and I am crying. Because she lights up my world and I want the days to slow down.

Hair Daze

Only a preteen would set her alarm for 4:30 a.m. to curl her hair.

Her 40 year old mother wishes she hadn't heard the same alarm. A pony tail will work just fine for her, thank you very much!