Friday, August 27, 2010

Joy Comes In The Morning

Today when I awakened, I felt it. That first sparkling glimmer of hope breaking through the bleak despair that has held my hand these past weeks. A sense of "me"  struggling, as if swimming through deep water, trying to break the surface and reach the luminous light at the top. Yet I realize it isn't me who is breaking free, it is the Holy Spirit in me, acting as lifeguard, carrying me to safety while I rest easily in His arms, passively watching to see where He is taking me.

I know now that it will be ok, this new place I am journeying to. It will be better than ok because He orchestrated it, He planned it, and He has been so eager to show me this new place. The wailing and gnashing of my teeth as I fought Him on this voyage didn't alter the course or make Him doubt his plan, rather it saddened Him that I was missing out on the great things He was taking me to. He wanted me to celebrate, and instead I chose to doubt and wonder, making comparison instead of looking with expectancy .

I asked Him to make me different. I asked Him to show me the best for my family, to draw us to Him and to seek Him desperately. And then I thought He misunderstood. His directions were not what I asked for, this must be a test. If I passed, He would set us back on the better course, the one which makes sense to me. But then, He spoke, and finally, I listened. The  quote that has been on my sidebar for over a year, has been waiting patiently for the day I would read it with an open spirit, and know I had received my answer.

"When you and I desire God's best for us, but become annoyed when He steps in to change the course of our lives, we rebel against the very thing we prayed for." Priscilla Shirer

Thursday, August 26, 2010

First Day Of School

The girls are ready for their new adventure! I'm not, but I am not known for my love of change. Deciding to leave our Christian school the night before school started was the hardest decision of our life. Praying God has an amazing plan for them and trusting Him to lead us where we never planned to go.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Topsy Turvy

I feel like I am in a dream in Alice In Wonderland, nothing is as it should be. We aren't going to the Christian school we have attended for 8 years, but instead are going to a public school we never even considered until 2 weeks ago, and I am hearing people say the very things I myself said for years, now in shock and disbelief.

For example, Rusty's high school played our former (as of yesterday!) Christian school tonight. It was surreal. Yesterday Cailin was a cheerleader for that school, and today her team mates were texting her messages of anger at her abandoning them. As we chatted with friends, one of the students said "Jesus loves you" to the public school players, as if this was a foreign concept that only Christian school kids would know. Yuck! Double yuck!  I saw football players scoffing at some of the kids from the other school, in a superior attitude not Christlike at all. My heart hurts at the reality that the utopia I imagined was a farce, an illusion I created to make myself feel I was doing the absolute best I could do for the girls, when in fact, kids are kids everywhere, and unfortunately, many in private schools are elitist Christians- an oxymoron if I ever saw one. I am so ashamed that I may have shared that false pride in their school, so ashamed!

Rusty welcomed the visitors to his (public and rural) school, and even took free popcorn over and passed it out in the stands. I was so proud of him, and felt like a breath of fresh air filled my spirit. He was living his faith instead of talking about it. In that moment I realized, no matter how hard and no matter how alone I may feel, we made the right choice. God is NOT only in Christian schools, but He is most definitely ONLY in Christians, wherever they may be.

Father God, please forgive me for my prejudices and preconceived notions. Cleanse my heart and soul, and bless my girls wherever they go, that they know You are with them and guiding them.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Never Say Never

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Except we won't be there. The girls friends have been called, and told the news that they won't be there in matching outfits after all, because they are going to go to public school. For the first time ever... for middle school.

This was never my plan. Never our plan. Yet here we are. I have to believe it is God's plan, and that means it is better than we could have hoped or imagined.

I hope so.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

No Matter What

I'm discovering that it's easy to feel peace and joy when things look like they are going according to my plan.
I don't mind "relinquishing control" when God seems to be leading in the direction I would like to go.
I love my husband being the leader of my home, when he makes the choices I would like to make.
But I'm not quite sure what to do when the answers start looking like "no".
When do I continue to pray and believe, knowing in my heart the desires there were planted there by God?
When do I let them go, knowing He gave me a husband to protect and guide me, and who would never make a decision that wasn't in our family's best interest?
I cling to the knowledge that God is for me, and so I will trust in hope, no matter what.

Monday, August 09, 2010

Will They Ever Stay Home Again?

Cailin in her first cheer uniform,
getting ready to leave for a week of camp.
I'm so proud of her for trying out for the jv squad, as an 8th grader,
and making it even though it was her first time cheering.
I hope she has a great week with her friends
and learns all kinds of new techniques.
However, I did mention to her that if she wanted to
stand off to the side and just applaud her teammates,
instead of being a "flyer" I would be totally ok with it:-)
To add insult to injury, while she is at camp
Nana and Papa are taking Cassidy camping,
so I am, once again, home without my girls!
Oh, well, it gives Rusty and I the opportunity to clear out the
basement so we don't look like we belong on Oprah as hoarders!