All In

My precious friend Amanda is one of those people who is "all in". Do you know what I mean? She is wholeheartedly a friend, wife, mother, Christian... whatever she does, she does it with all her heart. This can sometimes bring her grief, I think, because she realizes not everyone is who she thinks they are (been there, done that! I so identify with her!), but more often I think it blesses her. I know it blesses those who know her and are encouraged to see how she allows the Lord to guide her and her family. God tells us we are to love Him with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind. What better reminder is there, that we are to love Him and live "all in"?

So today as we were texting, I shared something with her that I often say to my girls, Cailin, in particular.

"You are the best You I know".

As soon as I said it, I realized it is one of those things I say so frequently, and yet don't always hear myself.

God created me to be who I am, always striving to be more like Him, sure, but inherently imperfect. He knew the struggles I would have, and He also provided me with the grace to be free of them in Him.

He wants me to be who I am, not a poor imitation of friends who seem to be so perfect and everything I desire. He wants me to be the best me I can be. It's enough. I don't need to hesitate or hold back, I can be all in, because I am the only one who can be.

So as I was trying to encourage a friend, I was blessed in return. Funny how God works like that.

Waiting For Easy

I'm discovering that with parenting, it actually does get harder as they grow older. Sure, it's easier in the reduced physical demands; I'm no longer carrying a toddler or chasing a mischievous preschooler. But in the mental arena it is exhausting. I am racing to a finish line I don't want to cross, and as I protest the passage of time, I am expected to run this race with wisdom and the intent to win.

I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right thing, disciplining correctly or too strictly (or lenient, depending on the day). Am I preparing them to be good mothers and wives, to love God and to think of others? Or am I creating narcissistic over achievers, who will find their value in accomplishment or approval?

Am I showing them the way, or making them want anything but that which I teach? When do I intervene and when do I let them make their own way? What is right and what is fair? Does fair matter, or should I teach them to accept injustice. Aaagh... it is a never ending conundrum of decisions, and I feel perched on a tight rope of indecision.

Then, when I feel myself teetering, a friend prays and lets me know she understands. My Mom listens and validates my feelings. My Dad gives me a break from carpool and shows up with laughing, happy girls.

It is then that I hear God's still, quiet voice, reminding me that He is still here. The same God who carried me through colic and a host of other childhood maladies, is the same One who will get me through this. Not just endruing but prospering in His amazing will. His ways are good, He blessed me with the gift of mothering, and His grace is sufficient for each day and stage.

Quiet, peaceful. Refrigerator humming and the clicking of my keyboard the only sounds, as the rest of the house slumbers on.

But it is more than the quiet of a house in solitude, it's a deeper peace, the calm of storms passed, and normalcy on the horizon.

This week was fraught with weather disasters, but they seemed perfectly symbolic for the upheaval in our home. Changing Cassidy's school at the last minute brought so much friction and stress, as we were already embarking on Cailin's first day of high school. Tension from work kept both Mommy and Daddy on the tips of our toes, and juggling everything threatened to break the dam of control I had a stranglehold on.

A never experienced earthquake shook our day, literally, and sent the week into a tailspin punctuated by a tropical storm and a hurricane. A week that I had planned to be calm and about back to school shopping became, instead, filled with shopping for emergency supplies and schedule changes, as schools closed or let out early.

It was just one of those weeks that felt emotionally charged and draining. But God.

God was with us, and instead of allowing the natural disasters and stress of every day life overwhelm us, He blessed us with time together, a home safe from the storms, and a weekend of calm as the storm raged on all around us.

Once again, God used this world to remind me of His blessing and protection in all things. He is always our calm in the midst of storms. We are not of this world and need not fret, but instead, run to Him as the skies turn black, knowing He has great beauty in store for us,  if we weather all our storms in His safe harbor.

And They're Off!

It never gets easier. Different,  with each stage, but never easier.
I always reminisce and get weepy, they always mock me, "Mooom!".
Pictures in a hurry, as we scurry out the door, typically late already.
The hands I used to hold as we walked in the school, are now cradling a cell phone, pausing from texting long enough to smile for the obligatory pictures.
Backs bowed under the weight of backpacks and hair tossed back as they are oblivious to the ache in my heart.
Seemingly relaxed, nerves must be on edge, but excitement wins the battle of emotions.
Air kisses so I don't smudge lip gloss, and they are off.
One with Daddy, and the other, in a happy surprise, on the bus with her best friend. (SO glad to see Hannah this morning!)
Happy First Day of School Girls. I love you!

The Day Our World Was Shaken

We had an earthquake yesterday.
Unusual when you live in Virginia!
It was a 5.9, and I truly never want to experience one bigger.
If you haven't been through one, trust me, they are scary.
Cailin and I were home alone getting ready to leave for her first high school (non scrimmage) game, when it sounded like helicopters were landing on our house.
The floor was shaking, and then I realized that instead of calming down it was growing in intensity.
I told her it had to be an earthquake, but I really thought maybe there was an explosion beneath our house or a plane was crashing into our home.
As I watched the windows and walls literally moving, I told her we needed to be in the tub (more used to tornadoes maybe?!) and waited it out with the puppies.
As soon as it calmed down we went outside and everything looked perfectly normal, sun shining, men working at the house across the street. So weird.
We called Daddy and found that we were 25 miles from the epicenter of an earthquake that stretched down the entire East coast.
Cassidy was at her first day of school and the desk she was in tipped over. She then hid under the teacher's desk, smart girl. Smarter than her Mama.
Papa was fishing in the mountains, and sitting in his car having lunch, when he felt his car being shaken back and forth. Thinking someone was hitting his car he was getting ready to jump out and confront them!
Nana was in a meeting at school, even closer to the epicenter, and they all fled the building.
Of course Daddy was at Spotsy getting ready for the first day and could barely walk across the room.
Such an exciting day!
Praising God for safety and protection.
And an extra day of summer, as schools are closed today. Woohoo!

She Knows Us!

Quite possibly my favorite thing she has ever said,

as she bounded down the stairs into the family room,

 "Hello, People who love me!

Truer words have not been spoken.

Go Knights!

Cailin played in her first high school field hockey tournament Saturday.

She worked hard and gave it all.

Her efforts earned her a position on the varsity team.

As a freshman.

So proud of her hard work.

 She's on the hop!

 Love the hair in motion.

In step with Coach Baker.

What Summer Looks Like Around Here

Saturday Morning

Fernado Ortega on Pandora.

Sweet tea, followed by protein shake. (Weight, please come off...)

French doors open to allow the breeze from our deck to flow through.

In my cozy chair, surrounded by Bible study materials.

How blessed I am to have this Saturday morning.

Subdue

I want to remember this word, and this day.

It isn't a word I would typically find appealing or relevant, but view instead as stifling the uniqueness in each of us.

I prefer seek and explore. Live loud. Find our special.

But today, God showed me, so sweetly, that those are all fine, but empty without a plan of order.

In Genesis 1:28 God commanded Adam and Eve to subdue the earth; to rule over it in such a way that it is not only mastered, but cultivated, nurtured, and brought to productivity.

What a perfect description of what we are to do for our children, to raise them to live in the gifts God placed in them. To embrace their true selves, the ones God desires them to be.

Today I commit to subduing, not stifling, but cultivating the beauty that is within each girl.

That is true creativity and freedom.

And So It Begins

August 1
Official VHSL athletic sports practices begin.
All around Virginia high school athletes are suiting up for the first sanctioned practice of the 2011 season. (Conditioning goes on all summer).
Cailin is part of it for the first time, as a freshman.
Field hockey 7-11.
Long day.
Praying it is a good day.
Praying it is a good year.
Not sure how we reached this stage.
She is still just a baby, right?

Endings Bring Beginnings

Last Walk Home From the Bus Together

Yesterday was the last day of school for the year. Typically a day I celebrate, because I love having my girls home, and the lazy days of summer together.

But this ending was bittersweet because it meant the end of middle school, another chapter ending, and goodbyes to be said.

The girls both came home with tear streaked faces. Cailin saddened as she prepares to leave her new friends to attend high school with her Daddy, instead of the school around the corner with her friends.

Cassidy broken hearted to learn that her best friend would be moving an hour away before they return for 7th grade.

Yet even as we grieve these losses, I have hope, knowing God is preparing the next step for them.

These changes are a reminder of God's great love for us, for we only mourn loss if we have first celebrated the gift.

So while I am sad to see the days of shared middle school evaporate, I am excited to see the great things ahead.

We are never free to receive, until we first let go, and so today I relinquish my strangle hold on the yesterdays and look forward to the tomorrows to come.

Enough About Me

Watching in the rear view mirror, as the girls climbed on the bus this morning, was like an analogy of my life as their Momma.

Looking back at all we have done together, all that I wish I had done differently, all that slipped through my fingers no matter how hard I tried to hold on.  They just keep climbing and growing, moving away from me without looking back.

It is good and right, my task is to prepare them to flee our safe haven and face the world. It just isn't easy.

I'm not ready for Cailin to head to high school. nor am I ready for her little sister to ride the bus alone, walking home from the bus stop solo, instead of head close to her sister's, giggling secret sister laughter as they head home to me.

I may not be ready, but they are, and once again, I am reminded that parenting is not about me.

Ears To Hear?

It has been a quiet year for me, with not much to say.

After struggling with the decision of where to send the girls to school last fall, I felt drained, and spent most of the year trying to acclimate to a whole new world, awakening most mornings still questioning our choice. The girls jumped in to this new environment feet first, diving and splashing in the ocean of freedom and new friendships, while I waded along the shoreline, tentatively dipping my toes, but yearning for the safer pond we left behind.

New friendships were happily forged, and mornings were simpler as the girls eagerly got ready for the day. Evenings were spent relaxing instead of focused on hours of homework,  and things were truly more peaceful, in so many ways.

Yet my heart still aches for the presence of God in their midst, cries out for Godly teaching and children from similar families.  I know the platitudes, "as long as there are tests, prayer will always be in schools"  and "God is always with our children, even in public schools", and of course I know He never, never leaves them. He certainly made the way for the ease of transition and the friends who welcomed them, I know His hand was on them every step of the way.

Yet I can't help but question if this was best. I know it was fine, and in many ways great, but was it best? As a parent I desperately crave giving the girls God's best for their lives. Was this really it? Did we hear Him? Has this year given them anything for their future faith? How has it shaped who they will be?

I still have more questions than answers. That's the hard part of parenting, we don't truly see the confirmed success of our task until they are adults, so it is easy to question and veer off our course along the way, but I trust that  God has things under control.  Even if we missed His plan, He uses all things for good.

So I continue to be quiet, and listen.

Sister Love

It is so hard to make the girls come in to fold laundry.

They are giggling and tumbling on the trampoline,

and I love nothing more than for them to enjoy being together.

There is nothing like a sister,

except being the Momma to sisters.

That is pretty sweet, too.

Mother's Day 2011

Mother's Day 2011

Dad and Rusty grilled steaks

and cleaned up.

One kitchen fire,

quickly extinguished,

but long to be remembered.

I love my family.

They give me gifts and a day of honor,

but I am the thankful one.

For such a gift to celebrate.

Motherhood.

Baby Girl

Just a random shot,

taken backstage between performances of A Little Princess,

but it sums up Cailin perfectly.

I love this picture.

I love this girl.

How can she be in her last weeks of middle school?

She's still my baby girl.

Always and forever.

Easter Break 2011

Banana Boat Ride 

Pelicans Game

 Before dinner with friends.

 Miniature Golf at our favorite course ... despite the sudden chill. Brrr

 Low country boil with friends. 

 Early morning sunrise.

 Reminded me that just like the hidden sun, God is always there,

 even when I can't "see" Him... was a powerful visual as I did my Bible study that morning.

Lovin' It!

Today I am loving these things...

1. My Mom sneaking into my messy kitchen last night, and tidying it all up while I was with the girls at youth group. She knew I felt lousy and was dreading coming home to it.

2. Rusty getting the girls off to school while letting me sleep off my nyquil hangover. Seriously, sleep felt good, and so did an empty house when I awakened.

3. My 2 shih tzu co-workers, especially when they chase each other and make me laugh.

4. The fresh bouquet of tulips on the kitchen table that make me so happy. I have to figure a way to afford weekly fresh flowers, they add so much to a home.

5.Having the pass word to my 13 year old's facebook account, and hacking into it to delete comments I disapprove of.  Along that tangent, do other parents not read the comments their kids leave on other pages? I check out all of Cailin's, and if she ever says anything I don't think needs to be broadcast to the internets I remove it. That has only happened once, but I see plenty of other things that parents either overlook or are oblivious to. Yikes, people! Step up your parenting game! OK, back to my happy place.

6. Paint colors spattered on my walls as I decide which to go with. My house is topsy turvy, but it is exciting to see progress. I love making our house our home.

This is the day that the Lord has made; I will be glad and rejoice in it!

A Little Princess

CYT

Christian Youth Theater

We are so blessed to have this opportunity for the girls, to enjoy being a part of

quality theater in a Christian environment.

This was only the third time Cassidy has opted to do a show,

and I'm so glad she did. I loved seeing both girls on stage,

they just made me smile every time I saw them.

 Daddy and his "seminary girls".

She was happy that she had a line in this show and got to wear a mic.

That is pretty much the goal of every girl in every show:-)

 Daddy and Cailin, who played "Becky", the best friend of the little princess.

This was such a great role for her and really stretched her acting ability.

She was an orphan who works as a maid and it about broke her Daddy's heart to watch her;

she was very convincing and pitiful!

 Nana always likes to see the last show,

 even though she and Papa both had already seen it opening weekend.

 The aftermath.

These are the boxes the girls carry to and from the show,

everyone has them,

and it is now a familiar sight to have these tubs full of shoes, misc clothes, notes, shoes,

perfumes, and occassionally food leftover from a forgotten lunch,

hanging out in my kitchen for days on end.

Eventually we will get motivated and cart them to the closet to wait for the next show.

 Inside a box... jazz boots and tights.

There is usually an ipod or phone in there, as well, to occupy them on long rehearsal days when they aren't called. I remember when their boxes used to contain polly pockets.

 Costume bags with the many outfits they wore, ready to go to the dry cleaners.

This is always what the house looks like for the week after, as we catch up on all the missed laundry and house cleaning that was neglected while we spent the past two weeks

 preparing for and performing the 8 shows.

It is exhausting, consuming for the whole family, and expensive, but I wouldn't miss it for the world.