I thought I would be super sophisticated. (The fact that I prefaced sophisticated with "super" probably shows there was never any danger of that.)
I thought I would be wealthy and a gourmet cook and have a fabulously decorated home, with a roster of famous clients.
I assumed we would entertain weekly and have a circle of friends who would share a tight history and inside jokes.
I think I might have even seen myself as taller and thinner, if I let myselfreally get carried away.
I know I thought I would never lose sleep or worry about my children and their decisions, because they would be blameless, and my only concerns would be the injustices of the world around them.

But God. As in everything, He had so much more. Sometimes what looks like less is a huge gift wrapped up and tied with a bow.

I really am not sophisticated, but I have so much fun! I laugh a lot. Loudly, and at the same time as I am talking. It's a skill my bunco group recognized and taunts me with, this laugh-talking. Throw in some knee slapping and you almost have a cardio work out! I love nothing more than laughter, I think it trumps sophistication every time.

I'm really not wealthy, nor do I have famous clients. I do, however, have a job allowing me to work from home, and clients who are mostly reasonable and likable. Funny how design paled in comparison for my passion once two giggly girls entered my life.

We have whittled that circle of friends, as we have matured and interests have changed. Turns out we don't need such a big circle outside our home, but love the one within desperately. Talk about inside jokes! The ones within our own four walls are our favorites, and often un-shareable!

Turns out my kids aren't as perfect as I expected, and most of the sleep lost has been over their own poor choices (not doing homework is such a bad idea) or worry over my own imperfect parenting. They have had more than their share of worldly yuck, too, but all those concerns have brought me closer to the One who always answers. He has never let us down. He has always been one step ahead.

He is so good. He took the plans of a naive girl, shook them up, and handed, instead, a map to a hidden treasure of a life to dig through for all the days of my life.  My life is a treasure. Turns out I am pretty wealthy, after all.

Everything you hear about teen girls?

Pretty much true.

Which is why I need these sweet pictures to remind me that I really do adore them.

They really are sweet, and they are just temporarily aliens that argue over clothes,

doubt that I have even a fraction of fashion sense,

and sleep until all hours of the day!

I am certain that one day they will leave hot water for their Daddy and I to shower with,

and remember before they shower that they will need towels when finished. (How many times will they call me, dripping wet, needing a towel?!)

 One day soon, they will stop rolling their eyes at my very existence, and rise up and call me blessed.

A girl can hope, at least, right?

A new day, a new week.

Even though I much prefer weekends with all of us home, I have to say I face each Monday with some excitement. I love starting new things, and each week gives us a chance to do things differently. I'm working on menus for better eating for all of us, and a chore list so the girls can help out just a little bit around the house.

Somehow I'm thinking neither of these changes are going to thrill the girls.

overshadowing my joy

In the morning I love to scroll through decorating and family posts of some of my favorite blogs. Before long I am inspired to cook healthfully for my family, do devotions with the girls each day, and redecorate the whole house in a new style. I'm invigorated and encouraged, which is good, and the benefit of so much information readily at our fingertips.

But. Then I find myself take it one step further, and start a downward spiral of "why". Why didn't I do this when my girls were younger, why didn't I do that for our home? Why do we not eat this or shop there? Why am I not as "fill in the blank" as that person, and why don't my children do this and why does my husband do that? Why, why, why?

I completely lose perspective.

The truth is that I have an amazing life, a wonderful husband, and girls who set the sun (as far as I am concerned)!  I have done lots of fun and educational things with my girls, have filled our home with love and laughter, and insist on organic on the days we don't have fast food. Ha!  I have done my best, which means not perfect, but always striving. Sure, I have missed the mark, but we all have, we just don't all advertise it on the internet for everyone to see.

What I see on pinterest or blogs or facebook is what people want us to see. They're sharing the best of their lives, to encourage and inspire. I'm  the one who chose to compare.

So I realize God has shown me something through this. It is good to encourage one another, in all areas of our life. But it is up to us to remember that He gave us each a unique life. We are to walk our own walk, and enjoy our own journey, not look to the left and right to see how our trip stacks up to our neighbor. If we stay our own course, the view is fantastic, it is a voyage planned  just for us by the master travel agent. But if we start to compare, we not only go off course, we lose our joy.

I want the joy. I want to absorb every detail of this wonderful life God has given me. When he says He has given us this day, and we choose life or death in our words, I am going to be intentional in choosing life. Life and life abundant.

Random thoughts...

A day with a breeze and no humidity makes your life seem almost instantly problem free. I'm convinced the breeze carries hugs from God.

I love the fact that my girl's friends know there is always sweet tea in the fridge, and help themselves to it. Ditto with anything else they need, nothing makes me happy like knowing people feel at home in my home.

Cailin has always rubbed our elbows for comfort. I used to fuss at her to please (!) give me a break, knowing I would miss it one day, and yet still needing my space. I love that she now still grabs my forearm upon awakening, for that connection, even though she outgrew the elbow rubbing.

I have an amazing life. Sometimes I think I forget that!

I really need to give up diet coke for good, and yet it is so addicting. I am weak!

Life is good, as these pictures prove...

Moongate at King's Wharf Bermuda

 The girls at Horseshoe Bay, Bermuda

 Cailin and her hearts. The girl IS love.

 The ones I love. More than life.

 Captures the crazy that we are, and that I love.

Happy Days Will Come Again

It has been a rough week, a rough couple of years if I am being honest.

Changing schools was the beginning of what has felt like a roller coaster ride that won't stop. Have I mentioned that I hate roller coasters? Constant questioning and doubting has worn me out. I know God has a good plan, I just don't know if we are even close to it.

I needed these pictures as tangible proof that there are happy days in the midst. And happy days will come again. If I just trust.

Nahum 1:7 “The LORD is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him. ”

No Boys Allowed

Rusty sent us to Virginia Beach the last weekend of spring break for some much needed "girl time".
There is absolutely nothing I love more than hanging out with my girls, and some time away from home was just what we all needed to gear up for the last few weeks of school.

Baby Girl

 Little Bit

 Miniature Golfing. Cassidy broke the end of her club swinging at the ropes... oh my gosh Cailin and I laughed so hard! This is after Cassidy stuck the end back on. Nice try!

 In every other shot we got the other end of the animals, thinking we were hysterical.

Cassidy did not agree, which only made us laugh harder.

 Silly facebook shot in the mirror!

 "Don't touch me!", she said. Of course I had to do it...

 Laughing at Cassidy saying we looked like a married couple in this pose.

 Pierce's Barbecue in Williamsburg. Worth the trip for this alone. Yum!

 Sweet tea for sweet girls.

Love spending time with these two!

Despite Rusty being out of town, we made it up on time, to school on time, and I am almost fully made up for the day. Eyeliner missing due to its abduction by one of the teenagers in this house! We even managed a detour to Starbucks on the way. Woohoo! So out of the ordinary that it is definitely noteworthy.

Also worth mentioning, I slept peacefully all night, without the usual terror that accompanies my "home alone" nights. That is a first for sure, maybe resulting from the fact that I crashed with Cailin in the king size guest bed she has claimed for herself. Discovering that she talks in her sleep was a bonus, a fact that made her very nervous. Hmmm..

So today I am feeling very thankful, for sleep and a relatively happy morning, but there is more, always more to remember...

red bud tree in full bloom outside the kitchen window
thunder and gray skies
a lunch date with fun friends
parents who still fret over me being home alone
my electric lap blanket that keeps me toasty
Pandora
remembering my Power of a Praying parent book

In "The Batlle Belongs to The Lord", Joyce Meyer reminds that we are to stay in our calling, using our energy for that which God has called us specifically to. Though many things are good, they are not our best, and could be better served by others, working in their particular area of gifting. She recalls a time when her ministry was in a building phase, and instead of overseeing the project, she assigned someone else to the task, so she could remain focused on praying, studying, and ministering. She relinquished control of things that were not essential so she could remain in the narrow will of God for her life.

It made me question what I would consider my priority? What would God say is my first ministry and focus in this life?I have to say first, obviously, is relationship to Him. Guarding my time alone in His Presence, soaking up His wisdom and love, filling my spirit with that Holiest of Holies. I need this before there is anything else in my life. All else follows from the anointing of His Spirit in me.

But what next is of greatest value? My job? Friendships? Making our home beautiful or keeping up with the laundry? All of these are important, "good", but none of these are essentail or eternal. The eternal value in my life is sharing my faith with my girls and training them up in the way they should go.

God says where your treasure is, there your heart is also. I can look at my life, and see where the bulk of my time and resources are spent to see where my heart is. Is it on my girls and things of faith? Or is it on facebook and blogging? Mindless pursuits that are not bad, but are not furthering my goal of living out my calling.

I want to have an eternal impact, I want to fulfill that wonderful call God has placed on my life. I will.

He is Here

Mean girls abound in middle school. Gossiping and criticizing, whispering behind hands, and laughing when you walk in the room.

Christian mean girls are the majority, unfortunately. Pious in their separate status of "Christian school". Saying one thing while living another, their words are both clean and bitter water from the same "spring". Displeasing to God, I know, yet where is He?

Sweet girls with broken hearts and tear stained cheeks tear at my spirit, as I cry out to God, protect my girl, protect her from those who profess to love you, and yet hate her.

A sister, flawed and often the source of much irritation, yet deeply adored. When pain swirls around, she draws near and loves, offering words of encouragement and empathy. Heads drawn together, laughter bubbles up, and I see God.

He is here. He is here.

Home

Walking the dogs in the newly dark morning (daylight savings time always throws me off), I could see the lights in the kitchen, barely shining through the dining room windows. My bedside lamp was on, and another light  shone downstairs.

Even though it was my own home, I found myself peeking for a glimpse of the life inside. So cozy and inviting in the cold morning air, and knowing a fire was toasting the living room, I eagerly ran the dogs the last bit to get inside.

There is truly no place like home. Sometimes in the midst of living inside, I forget to step back and glance through the windows of my life to remind myself of how truly blessed I am.

WWYT?

What Were You Thinking?

Cassidy refused to let Cailin look in her closet for a t-shirt to wear this morning. Not unusual, Cassidy struggles with sharing, and sometimes we force ths issue, while others we think Cailin is just pushing her buttons and say "move one"... "you have a closet full of your own things".

Today I opted to tell Cailin to just wear her own stinkin' clothes, so much fussing and debating ensued, with me spending some quality time lecturing Cailin on respecting her sister's clothes, and not always sneaking in to "borrow" them.

I reminded her that, while Cassidy is definitely not as generous in sharing as she herself is, Cassidy has her own gifts, and Cailin can also be selfish in other ways.

Basically lots of lecturing and eye rolling, but Cailin wore her own things and left for the day.

Within 5 minutes Cassidy had shucked the denim jacket she had on and appeared in one of Cailin's hoodies.

Blech!

I really hate being sick, but am thinking a sick day may not be all bad.
I don't feel well enough to clean the house, or get dressed for that matter.
But I do feel well enough to do my Bible study.
I think I can make a menu plan for the week. Maybe on that one. Food still doesn't sound so great.
I can definitely nap, and who doesn't love the chance to nap uninterrupted?
It isn't what I planned for today, but a day of rest is starting to grow on me.

A Moment In Time

Random shots of the girls with no relevance, other than to remind me of what life in our home looks like right now.  Someone is almost always jumping or tumbling, and when they do slow down, they are frequently loving on one of the puppies, who think they are the littlest sisters the girls never had.
Parenting 13 and 14 year old girls is challenging (as is every age!), but even more rewarding. They are so fun and full of life and laughter.
I feel like we are living on fast forward. Time- slow down!

Thankful for...
1. Being a Mommy
2. A husband who heats up my cozy and tucks me in when he is staying up late watching football
3. Parents who love to be with us and their grandchildren
4. The shakes that have helped me lose weight and have more energy
5. Each new day, even when it includes impatience and spilled cereal

Happy Days Are Here Again

His mercies are new every day.

Praising God for that sweet truth, and choosing to dwell on it for 2012.

Each day, each moment is a gift that I am choosing to cherish, and not squander in "what if's".

I have allowed a fog of worry and unrest to dominate too much of my life lately, and God has shown me that He cannot move in my life when I am stuck in the quagmire of doubt.

My heart is filling again with the lightness of remembering He is good, always was, and always will be.

It Was a Very, Merry Christmas

From a week in the mountains to a day with the Brammers in D.C.,

we enjoyed our Christmas break fully.

 I have loved every minute of being with my family and off work.

So blessed.

Now to spend January settling into my intentions for 2012.

To (1) Seek God and (2) Be intentional.

Our First Homecoming

It isn't every freshman whose Daddy is also attending the Homecoming Dance.

Not only was he there chaperoning, but he was the one opening the car doors and escorting the kids out. I soo wish I had a picture of that- this student took his breath away when he saw her.

 My beautiful girl. I love that she wore the corsage on her arm instead of her wrist.

I think she started a trend at the dance!

 Her best friend (boy wise, that is) who was sweet enough to escort her to homecoming when she decided she just wanted to go with a friend, and not one of the boys pursuing her. So much more fun, we thought! He loved (NOT) that people kept telling him he looked like Justin Bieber.

 Practicing their moves!

 Helping her with the corsage. What a gentleman!

This boy is everything a young man should be. I am so glad they are friends.

 We made a last minute appointment to have her hair done, and I am so glad we did!
I never could have even attempted this!

 The real Tam and Cailin!

As hard as it is to believe she has had her first homecoming, it was such a fun experience!

I loved shopping with her to pick out her dress, and then all of us going to help Tam get his clothes (his mother was recovering from surgery, so we got to fill in).

Teenagers are so fun and we had so many laughs together.

As much as I miss the days of little ones, these days are fun and special  in a whole other way.

I am so blessed to be her Mommy and share these memories with her.

Intentional

Turning 40 was such a turning point for me, as I evaluated where I was in life, and where I wanted to be. I recognized that one of the biggest frustrations for me is my lack of diligence in following through on tasks I set for myself, small and large. So for the past year and a half, I have been slowly  but surely working to improve myself. Sometimes I see huge results, and other times it seems like I am a puddle of inactivity, stuck where I am.

So for the rest of October, I am going to journal here the baby steps I have taken to bring order to my life and home, and the efforts I am making to be better in all areas. This way I can look back and see my daily efforts, and hopefully accomplishments!

• I sorted through all the cleats in the garage, cleaned them up, and sent them to school with Rusty for donation to The Boys and Girls Club.
• Went online and checked the girls grades; a dreaded task that I usually procrastinate until it is too late to be of any benefit.
• Recycled items I really just wanted to toss in the trash. Instead I took the time to remove the labels and rinse clean, before putting them in the recycling bin. (See? How pitiful is it that this is an accomplishment?)
• Completed nearly all the items on my to-do list for work. It was so nice to start today not feeling like I am already behind.

All In

My precious friend Amanda is one of those people who is "all in". Do you know what I mean? She is wholeheartedly a friend, wife, mother, Christian... whatever she does, she does it with all her heart. This can sometimes bring her grief, I think, because she realizes not everyone is who she thinks they are (been there, done that! I so identify with her!), but more often I think it blesses her. I know it blesses those who know her and are encouraged to see how she allows the Lord to guide her and her family. God tells us we are to love Him with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind. What better reminder is there, that we are to love Him and live "all in"?

So today as we were texting, I shared something with her that I often say to my girls, Cailin, in particular.

"You are the best You I know".

As soon as I said it, I realized it is one of those things I say so frequently, and yet don't always hear myself.

God created me to be who I am, always striving to be more like Him, sure, but inherently imperfect. He knew the struggles I would have, and He also provided me with the grace to be free of them in Him.

He wants me to be who I am, not a poor imitation of friends who seem to be so perfect and everything I desire. He wants me to be the best me I can be. It's enough. I don't need to hesitate or hold back, I can be all in, because I am the only one who can be.

So as I was trying to encourage a friend, I was blessed in return. Funny how God works like that.

Waiting For Easy

I'm discovering that with parenting, it actually does get harder as they grow older. Sure, it's easier in the reduced physical demands; I'm no longer carrying a toddler or chasing a mischievous preschooler. But in the mental arena it is exhausting. I am racing to a finish line I don't want to cross, and as I protest the passage of time, I am expected to run this race with wisdom and the intent to win.

I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right thing, disciplining correctly or too strictly (or lenient, depending on the day). Am I preparing them to be good mothers and wives, to love God and to think of others? Or am I creating narcissistic over achievers, who will find their value in accomplishment or approval?

Am I showing them the way, or making them want anything but that which I teach? When do I intervene and when do I let them make their own way? What is right and what is fair? Does fair matter, or should I teach them to accept injustice. Aaagh... it is a never ending conundrum of decisions, and I feel perched on a tight rope of indecision.

Then, when I feel myself teetering, a friend prays and lets me know she understands. My Mom listens and validates my feelings. My Dad gives me a break from carpool and shows up with laughing, happy girls.

It is then that I hear God's still, quiet voice, reminding me that He is still here. The same God who carried me through colic and a host of other childhood maladies, is the same One who will get me through this. Not just endruing but prospering in His amazing will. His ways are good, He blessed me with the gift of mothering, and His grace is sufficient for each day and stage.