Thursday, April 19, 2007

I drafted this a few weeks ago when I just needed to vent. After reading BigMama today, I felt I needed to go ahead and post. So here's my heart...

I want to stay home.

I can't imagine how much Rusty hates hearing those words.It is almost always on my mind, and far too often, also on my lips.

I don't say these words because I am a homebody, although I often am. These words haunt me because they are the overly simplified way of speaking the greatest desire of my heart. What these words really are saying is, I wish I didn't have to contribute to our family's finances... I wish I had no fiscal responsibilty in this household... I wish I didn't have to worry about what to do with sick kids, or kids home for a snow day when I have to go out of town... I wish someone else was taking care of those worries about tuition and car payments... I wish I could prepare meals while the kids were at school and organize and clean their rooms before they arrive home... I wish the only thing on my mind was my family and not clients and bosses.

I sound so petty and selfish and ungrateful. After all, I am married to the most amazing man you could ever know. He does everything possible to spoil the girls and I, to make us feel cherished and adored. We are his entire world, his focus, his passion. Yet the fact remains, that he is unable to give me the one true desire of my heart- being a stay at home mom. I hate that I can't seem to get beyond this fact, that I hold it against him in the inermost part of my heart. The knowledge that despite all the sacrifices he makes for us, I still have to work. It is so selfish of me; after all, we both decided to send our girls to Christian school, knowing that as an assistant principal his salary would not cover this expense. We agree that he is where God wants him to be, ministering to hurting kids. Yet still, if I am honest, I wish he would fix it for me.I want to stay home. I say it over and over like a spoiled child, and I feel entitled and justified.

So many others, everyone I know in fact, is able to do this. I feel cheated and overlooked. Why isn't God blessing us somehow to make this happen? Just as I am almost convinced that the world is against me, I am reminded of how God has made the way for me to work from home. To have the perfect sitter when the girls were little. To allow me to cut back my hours and not my salary. To have my Dad pick the girls up and spend fun times with them after school.So many people struggle to make it and wish they could find a job, and I do nothing but complain about the one I have been given. I am ashamed... I am so blessed. God, please teach me to praise You on the path You have put me, knowing I am blessed just by being Your child, and that You are my provider.


Kim said...

I found your blog and hope that I can be a voice of encouragement...even though I am a stranger. I think you may have commented on my blog a while back?

I had the same hearts desire. While I cannot know your circumstances I can tell you I have had that same burden that you have so openly shared.

I have three children 12, 10, and 4. When I had my daughter 12 years ago I was the breadwinner. I made the greater salary. There were no plans laid for me to stay home. I searched my heart and I searched the Word. The answers were there.

I plan on homeschooling in the fall as an alternative to private school and that is a total God thing. They have been in public school from the get-go. You can read my blog in the coming months regarding that big huge transition in our lives.

I don't want to ramble. I want to give practical advise. Pray. Lay it out. When it is all said and done and boy-howdy it is all said and done before you know it and those babies are grown and gone, what are the end results that you desire? What means are required for those end results?

Sometimes the answers are right in front of us but the cost is too great.

When I quit to stay home with my oldest 12 years ago, the sacrifice was tremendous. More than I would ever want to do again. One car, pork & beans, hand-me-downs, stunk. But it worked.
And oh my gosh...the reward.

Blessings as you seek Him. If working is were you stay, He can sustain you and give you the grace. But if that hearts desire to be at home doesn't go have to wonder if that desire might be coming from Him.

Oh yeah, I just realized that you are in Virginia. So am I! E-mail me from my blog and I'll tell you where I am :) We could be neighbors.

Too weird.

aggiejenn said...

Praying God gives you peace about this and the ability to praise Him no matter what. Thanks for being so honest.

Gretchen said...

Thank you for the slap, I needed. Seriously. I get far too complacent, and even dare to complain. I hopped over from Blessed Beyond Measure, and really loved this last post of yours. Of course, I'm the proverbial SAHM, who tries but never quite shows enough appreciation for what I have. My complaints usually include something about "not having anything for me". Feeling "under-appreciated" and "wasting" my education--I'm a speech pathologist by background. Shame on me. Thanks for allowing me to find (again) the proper perspective. I am blessed so very abundantly, and need to focus on that abundance rather than any small thing I might be lacking. His grace is sufficient for us all. Take care.