I drafted this a few weeks ago when I just needed to vent. After reading BigMama today, I felt I needed to go ahead and post. So here's my heart...
I want to stay home.
I can't imagine how much Rusty hates hearing those words.It is almost always on my mind, and far too often, also on my lips.
I don't say these words because I am a homebody, although I often am. These words haunt me because they are the overly simplified way of speaking the greatest desire of my heart. What these words really are saying is, I wish I didn't have to contribute to our family's finances... I wish I had no fiscal responsibilty in this household... I wish I didn't have to worry about what to do with sick kids, or kids home for a snow day when I have to go out of town... I wish someone else was taking care of those worries about tuition and car payments... I wish I could prepare meals while the kids were at school and organize and clean their rooms before they arrive home... I wish the only thing on my mind was my family and not clients and bosses.
I sound so petty and selfish and ungrateful. After all, I am married to the most amazing man you could ever know. He does everything possible to spoil the girls and I, to make us feel cherished and adored. We are his entire world, his focus, his passion. Yet the fact remains, that he is unable to give me the one true desire of my heart- being a stay at home mom. I hate that I can't seem to get beyond this fact, that I hold it against him in the inermost part of my heart. The knowledge that despite all the sacrifices he makes for us, I still have to work. It is so selfish of me; after all, we both decided to send our girls to Christian school, knowing that as an assistant principal his salary would not cover this expense. We agree that he is where God wants him to be, ministering to hurting kids. Yet still, if I am honest, I wish he would fix it for me.I want to stay home. I say it over and over like a spoiled child, and I feel entitled and justified.
So many others, everyone I know in fact, is able to do this. I feel cheated and overlooked. Why isn't God blessing us somehow to make this happen? Just as I am almost convinced that the world is against me, I am reminded of how God has made the way for me to work from home. To have the perfect sitter when the girls were little. To allow me to cut back my hours and not my salary. To have my Dad pick the girls up and spend fun times with them after school.So many people struggle to make it and wish they could find a job, and I do nothing but complain about the one I have been given. I am ashamed... I am so blessed. God, please teach me to praise You on the path You have put me, knowing I am blessed just by being Your child, and that You are my provider.