OK... I am going to try to post a second time... only 5 months after the first! Noone knows I have this blog, but if anyone who knows me ever read it they would NOT be surprised at my sporadic approach.

As I spent my quiet time with God this morning, crying out to "let me sense Him, to draw me near to Him", He led me to some writings that truly ministered to me in my struggles. Over the last year God has slowly but surely been separating me unto Him. He has been gracious in this process, and slowly pulled the bandaid of comfort off, when He so easily could have just yanked it with one mighty pull! But as I have gradually seen the loss of comfortable friendships and been forced to draw tightly to Him, I have also struggled with cooperating. I mean, I have been aware of what He has been doing, and yet I haven't done that which is required- spend more time with Him. Instead I have pulled away, as if daring Him to come get me and show me what He had for me.

This is not typical for me, to pull back. I crave intimacy with my Heavenly Father, and seek His presence like the air required to breathe. So what has this been? Is this what rebellion is? To know that God is my one true source and still refuse His counsel? Well I don't want to continue down this path. I want and need my Heavenly Father to be my guide, my source, my comforter and confidante. My God is a big God- He can handle my worries and insecurities and fears.

And so, this morning, as I read again about the 12 spies who were sent to check out the land of Canaan, I choose to be like Joshua and Caleb. I choose to believe God's Word over the appearance of insurmountable circumstances. I choose to believe that what God has promised will be. I choose to believe that God loves me and is looking out for me- it is ok for me to rest, knowing that the issues of this world are well taken care of by my God. I choose to believe... again.

Jeremiah 1:12 For I am alert and active, watching over my Word to perform it.

The first day of school.
My sweet baby is heading off to fourth grade at the upper elementary campus of her school- away from the safe cocoon of k-3 she has been sheltered in these past few years. They have prepared her beautifully... she has her wings and is SO ready to fly to the new destination. Eager to meet her new teacher and principal. Eager to see all her friends. Eager to be older and on the "big" campus. It is a whole new experience, dropping her off here. No longer does the teacher come and open the car door, greet her and guide her to her class lined up on the asphalt. Instead we pull up, she opens her own door and hops off into the unknown. My heart was in my stomach as she glanced back to check on me- her own face glowing with anticipation.
But this wasn't just a big step for Cailin... sweet little Cassidy will now catch the bus at this campus, which will take her back to our first haven of education- the lower elementary, the place where I learned to let go- a little. Now I am letting go a lot. She has never ridden a bus... I have always watched as she walked hand in hand with her teacher to join her classmates. Today as we arrive she gets the 'panic look' and says she doesn't want to ride the bus. Thankfully I can say to her that Daddy is here, he is waiting for her, and he will hold her hand and make sure she gets on the right bus. She is ok then, and follows Cailin out into the unknown as I pull away, wondering what is going on that I am missing!
I finally park and see my husband, beaming, as he waves at the windows of the bus. When I join him and try to get her attention she folds her arms and looks the other way. She is embarrassed by us... she is ok! It is ok for us to leave. After I drop Daddy off at his jeep and he heads to work and his own students, I fly to the lower campus and get there just in time to snap pictures of Cassidoodle coming off the bus and independently finding her own class. She did it. Alone. Yay baby! I am so proud of her. As her class files in she pretends she doesn't see me, but I see her sweet bashful smile and know she is proud too.
I huddle with my mommy friends in the parking lot, lingering long after the kids have gone in. We are hesitant to face these first few moments without them... and we rehash the craziness of the first morning in an effort to stay connected to them a little longer. Soon we will drop them off without a second thought and rush headfirst into the business of the day. But today is the first day.
After 4 first days of school plus 2 first days of prechool you would think I could drop them off without crying. You would think wrong.