Friday, December 07, 2007

I Hit The Wall.

37 will be known as the year that I hit the wall.

For some unknown reason, I am different, and I think I like the new me. I am less likely to fret and stew over things, and more inclined to deal with them directly. I feel less obligation to withhold my true feelings, and am better able to say "no", to those things that require more of me than I have to offer, and enjoy more, those things to which I happily say "yes!".

I don't feel as obligated to be a one man band of entertainment for my daughters, and am less concerned that I am scarring them emotionally for life when they are unhappy with my expectations. I have a better awareness of what my job is as their mother, and what God really desires of me.

I realize more of who I truly am, and what inspires me, each and every day. I am less interested in what friends and acquaintances are doing, and more content to enjoy my home and the plans I have for the family within it.

I am more at peace with myself, and as a result, more at peace with those around me. This, however, is in stark contrast to the upset reigning simultaneously, as I also am inplementing the disciplines I have always wished for. The "new me" is accepting of the fact that others may be upset around me; that is part of life, and not earth shattering as I previously believed. Everyone is upset occassionally, and it is ok, life does go on.

I am willing to attend my husband's work Christmas party with roots, no manicure, and as of today (the party is tomorrow!), no new outfit. This is relevant because he is the principal, and this is the first time his staff will meet me. I am at peace because I accepted that there was no physical way I could make my hair appointment, and I won't waste energy worrying. It will be ok. This is monumental- this is what made me realize something is different about me!

I am able to accept that sometimes I am just tired and want to sit down and watch HGTV, and I allow myself to do that, even when the Christmas decorations are loitering the living room and entry. Perhaps every evening for a week.

I recognize more of my own faults, and fewer of others. I am more eager to repent, and remain in close fellowship with the Holy Spirit, than to grieve Him by holding tighlty to past hurts and resentments.

I am quieter. I am still full of laughter. I am learning to let go of who I thought I would be, and slowly, very slowly, learning to accept that who I am is ok after all.


Room for Grace said...

What a great post! At 37, as well, I find so many things I relate to. I just said many of these same things to a good friend of mine yesterday. Both of my parents have cancer right now, and it has really helped me sift through what I want my life to be about and what I don't want it to be about, and be ok with people being upset with me from time to time.
You put this into words so well!

Penless Thoughts said...

I LOVE this post. Isn't it wonderful to finally get to that place. Welcome it gets even better!!!

Kelly said...

I feel the same way. I have always been so insecure about how I look and what others think of me and that made me shy ....but as I go through my 30's (I'll be 34 in 2 weeks) - I don't care as much about what people think or how I look and that has made my life so much happier and has made me a lot more outgoing. I guess aging is not so bad after all!