Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Desire of my Heart

One of my favorite verses in the Bible, selfish as it sounds, is the one about God "giving us the desires of our heart". Not because I think He has a magic wand, waving my whims and desires into reality, but because I believe He "gives me" the desires of my heart, as in, plants them in my heart so I will know which dreams to follow to be on His perfect path for my life. I think it also means that when my desires line up with what He desires for me, they come to fruition, and my life is blessed. So I love this verse, this proof that God has my heart on His mind.

I struggle with it though, because my greatest desire, my only real dream, is to be a stay at home mom. Oh, sure, I would also love to home school, flip houses and travel with my family, but the only burning desire I have had for the last 12 years is to be home with my daughters. Admittedly, as a working Mom I am exceedingly blessed, since I work from a home office and have a flexible schedule. When the girls were little I had a sitter who came to my house 3 days a week so they were still in their own home with their own things, and she was with us for 7 years. There is no doubt that God provided and blessed our situation, and I give Him so much praise!

Yet, as good as it is, it still is not the desire of my heart. I have struggled over the years, first faulting my husband for not wanting it as much as I do, then faulting us both for wanting more than his income provided for, then faulting myself for being ungrateful when I was so, so, very blessed already. But the reality is that noone is at fault, the facts are the facts. Rusty was a teacher, and no amount of sacrifice would have provided us with life in our area on his salary. Moving wasn't an option, we felt called to be here, and so I have learned to accept that God is using our situation, and blessing us despite the less than my-ideal circumstances.

I still pray, asking God to allow this change in our life, but truthfully, now that my girls are in school, it doesn't make much difference in their lives. I am home when they are, albeit exhausted from spending 5 hours in a car per day, shuttling to clients over 2 states, skidding back home in time to meet the bus. On the days I'm not back in time Papa greets them, and the time together is a special treat. Everyone is fine, except for me with the hurt in my heart from not being in my favorite place on earth- my home. But I have accepted that this is the life we have lived, and it is such a full and wonderful one that it must have still fallen into the plan God had for us.

My working has allowed Rusty to stay in the field we feel he is called to, and minister to kids as he was by coaches and teachers. He has been able to give back some of what saved him, and make a difference. I am so proud of him, and honored to have been a part of his journey. But sometimes I will read something on a blog, or have a conversation with someone who stays home, and a sharp pain will pierce my heart. The pain of truly not having the desire of my heart, and trying to reconcile that with the heart so full of love for the life I have led instead.

1 comment:

Dena said...

i hope i've never painted my life in such a way that brings pain to your heart. your life seems perfect, but i love your ending sentence, don't we all have to do that at times in our life, to remind ourselves. i prayed for you today.