I like words. I like to talk things out, but I also like to process things through writing. So I journal, and I used to occasionally blog. But I realize that when things are too hard and too painful, I go silent. I retreat and isolate. And so, I have been silent for too long.
My journal has months long gaps, and I haven't blogged in years. It is as if time stood still, and in a way it has, as I processed the changes... the losses... and the changes in perspective. There was a time when I thought I was a Faith Giant, probably would have included my name among the giants of Hebrews. As I cried out to God to "restore my faith" to who I was then, I truly remembered it as a time of great faith and peace. And then I found a journal from those days, and faced the truth that I had already been struggling. I was already a puddle of doubt and fear. I was already on the floor crying out, floundering in emotions and circumstances I hadn't predicted. And so I was encouraged, that God had actually been growing me since then. He has been building my faith and increasing my knowledge of Him... I haven't been missing Him, He has been teaching me through the bumps. And so I am hopeful. He Who began a good work in me will ring it to completion. He doesn't do things half way. This isn't the end of the story... and He truly does have good things for me and my family.
So I am determined to get back to journaling here. To remind myself that He has been good and faithful. That just because the terrain doesn't look like what I expected, doesn't mean He isn't still bringing us to the Promised Land. I am going to write our story, because while I was waiting for it to be all tied up in a perfect bow of testimony, the truth is that the testimony is in Him showing up every single day and carrying us, and blessing us with His love. The testimony is in His daily goodness and the love He has showered on us when all we saw was the rain. I will write because he is worthy to be praised and I will praise Him in every way I can. Not for others to read, but for me to remember the goodness He has shown us in the land of the living.
