I love Jesus. And loving Jesus means loving His people. Even the unlovable ones (like me on some days!).

I find that some of the hardest for me to love and show grace to, though, are His children. The ones who claim His Name as their own, and yet all too often, seem to behave more like the leaders in their church or the "church" as a whole, rather than like Him. I don't think they are "bad", or intentionally ignoring His command to love Him and take on the character of the Father. I think it is just easy to look to those around us and model our words and behaviors on those we see and are led by, rather than the One we can't tangibly see, and Who isn't sitting with us in our small group coffee dates.

A blogger whom I truly enjoy, and find to be a devoted follower of Christ, posted something today about some college girls. I am sure she intended it to be a positive thing, when she described them as "solid and quality girls". Yet it absolutely tore through my spirit like a knife. This is exactly the youth group mentality that is filling our churches and raising up generation after generation of pharisees. The girls who wear one pieces and long skirts, and then whisper behind their hands at the new girl who catches the boys attention. The kids who are praised for their church attendance and scripture memorization (good things!) yet don't have any true revelation of the Word in their own life. Kids who are not drawing others to them, but instead are creating an invisible bubble of us vs. them.

My prayer is that each of us who knows Jesus will make the choice, day in and day out, to show our kids Jesus in our actions, in our faith and in our words. Not just quoting the scriptures, but really being changed by them. And that we will take our faith to a level beyond just telling our kids how to dress, and instead teach them how to love. Once they get that, the rest is second nature. The nature of The Father, Who will fill them with His knowledge when they choose to receive and walk in His love.

No Regret.

This is what God clearly spoke to my soul this morning, as I found myself tearing up, once again, as I pondered what appears to me to be yet another loss. A disappointment. A dream deferred.

It isn't what I want, it isn't what the other person involved  should want, either, if you asked me. But noone did, and so the plans I had ,for someone else, are being turned upside down, and my sadness weighs heavily on my thoughts.

Yet God clearly tells me to have No Regret. He wants me to be ok with things not going according to my plan. Plans for someone for whom I have prayed that "His plans are to prosper, and not harm, plans for blessing and not curse. " Someone I have entrusted to His hands over and over... and plead for wisdom in their life and in my counsel over them. A person who is seeking Him, not in my ways but in their own. Someone who is desperate to stand on their own two feet and not feel compelled or swayed by the desires of others.

And so I slowly start to hear Him more clearly. Reminding me that He is faithful and true. His ways are not my ways, but are higher than my ways. He says I can trust Him, that He knows and sees all, and never leaves nor forsakes us. My first thought is. "yes, but...".  But I want them to be in this certain place. But I want them doing this thing. But I want them to have this_________. But. But. But.

All sentences starting with rebellion and ending with me. Because every thought is one based on my own desires, or how I think they would best find success and happiness in this world. Every sentence ends with what would make me happy, what would fulfill my plans, what would be the natural continuation of what was started. It is easier financially and emotionally for me. Me. me. Me.

I sound like a spoiled child. And then I realize that even in this, God is gracious. He doesn't condemn. he doesn't make me feel selfish. Instead He reassures me- to have No Regret. To release my own expectations. And to trust in Him. His ways are all that I have prayed and lectured. His ways are all that His Word promises. His ways are always better and always in His perfect timing. Not mine.

And so, even as I write these words of realization,  the memories and sadness fight for center stage in my mind, and I know I have to make a choice. To live in the "But/me", or to reject those thoughts and choose instead, "But God".

At lunch, some friends and I were discussing an anecdote, where a very wealthy woman was treated poorly at an exclusive boutique, and left the store, humiliated. Though well able to afford anything there, and a frequent shopper, she was not recognized as such, and was spoken "down" to by the salesperson.  When her husband, an executive and well connected man in the community,  heard, he was livid, and went immediately to the store , to her defense. As he addressed them and their shabby treatment of his wife, he said , "Do you know who I am?!".

Reflecting on this later, driving home (when I do my best thinking!), it occurred to me that as children of the King of Kings, we should all be looking at our trials, our attacks, our sicknesses and defeats; at every lie the enemy puts to us, we should be looking straight in the face, and saying, not "do you know who I am?", but instead, "Do you know WHOSE I am?". I am the daughter of the One Who won victory in every circumstance. I am the daughter of the One Who is, and is to come. I am the daughter of the One Who created every thing. I am the daughter of the Alpha and Omega. 

We should boldly declare our position of righteousness and power over every threat; not because of our name or what we have or what we have done. But because the Blood of Jesus cries out on our behalf. Always and in every circumstance. 

Glory be to God on High. Who was, and is, and is to come.

Praise Him

I like words. I like to talk things out, but I also like to process things through writing. So I journal, and I used to occasionally blog. But I realize that when things are too hard and too painful, I go silent. I retreat and isolate. And so, I have been silent for too long.

My journal has months long gaps, and I haven't blogged in years. It is as if time stood still, and in a way it has, as I processed the changes... the losses... and the changes in perspective.  There was a time when I thought I was a Faith Giant, probably would have included my name among the giants of Hebrews. As I cried out to God to "restore my faith" to who I was then, I truly remembered it as a time of great faith and peace. And then I found a journal from those days, and faced the truth that I had already been struggling. I was already a puddle of doubt and fear. I was already on the floor crying out, floundering in emotions and circumstances I hadn't predicted. And so I was encouraged, that God had actually been growing me since then. He has been building my faith and increasing my knowledge of Him... I haven't been missing Him, He has been teaching me through the bumps. And so I am hopeful. He Who began a good work in me will ring it to completion. He doesn't do things half way. This isn't the end of the story... and He truly does have good things for me and my family.

So I am determined to get back to journaling here. To remind myself that He has been good and faithful. That just because the terrain doesn't look like what I expected, doesn't mean He isn't still bringing us to the Promised Land. I am going to write our story, because while I was waiting for it to be all tied up in a perfect bow of testimony, the truth is that the testimony is in Him showing up every single day and carrying us, and blessing us with His love. The testimony is in His daily goodness and the love He has showered on us when all we saw was the rain. I will write because he is worthy to be praised and I will praise Him in every way I can. Not for others to read, but for me to remember the goodness He has shown us in the land of the living.

Good Things

Our God has good things for us. He is a good God, and His mercies are new every day.

He inhabits our praise, and He is worthy to be praised.

So this week God has led me so clearly to reminders that His mercy and loving kindness endure forever. Psalm 136... and so many others, have spoken repeatedly of his enduring mercy and loving kindness. And I made note, and have meditated on this knowledge.

So after not being here or writing here for several months, I checked in. Only to see that last February 13th, one year ago, He showed me that same revelation. I am now ministering to myself a year later! Isn't God so good?

God Speaks

Often, when I allow God to lead me through my morning devotions, I will see the same scriptures or words repeated from a variety of sources. When this happens, I know it is God, clearly speaking, and making sure I receive His message. To note these moments without going into so much detail in my journal, I have begun writing God Speaks, in a box. I love reflecting back and piecing together the puzzles of these messages, and seeing the guidance He is sending me. He cares enough to speak to me. I need that reminder.

Sometimes I let my temper get the best of me. I jump to conclusions, break out in a sweat, and blame people (in my mind) for things they may or may not have even done.
In the best scenario I calm down and am never discovered to be a temperamental little brat. Worst case, I open my mouth or text and let accusations fly, feelings be darned and emotions spewing ugliness.
I am always left with a sense of remorse and feeling drained. Anger is not energizing. I realize why I am supposed to give every stray thought to God , and TRUST HIM. However, in the heat of the moment, I most often flail ahead, tripping over my frustration in a clumsy purge of blame , sadness and then messy apology.
How I pray to be more Christ like each day, and to remember the last time I allowed fear- truly always the root of the emotions-to direct my behavior.
Thank God, literally, for grace.

Life is good.
God gave it to us.. He gave His Son, He blessed us before time began.
So no matter what we feel or allow ourselves to think, life is good. Because God is good.
All the time.

My heart feels like a watermelon tossed from a second story window. Splintered and splashed on the pavement. I ache for it to be restored to that of a firm and glossy green melon, full of hope and beautiful in its pristine form.

I cry out to God in my broken state; eager for His healing touch.

Even though I journal almost daily, sometimes when I hear something from God that hits me so plainly, I have to write it here, where I can get it down faster than writing it out. Today is one of those days, and I can't help but be excited that God wants to help me understand something enough that he says it to me repeatedly, in various voices. When I read a devotion, or hear a message, with the same idea, my heart leaps, because I know He is speaking, and it will bless me to listen and obey. So I want to record it, because in the business of life, it can be easy to forget that he speaks to us, graciously and often... and His wisdom is the only wisdom that has the power to change me.

So here it is: seek Him in the small things, ask Him for discernment and wisdom, and acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your path (Proverbs 3:6). Talk to Him first thing every day, all day, and at the end of the day. Humble yourself and recognize that all good things come from Him. Give Him the glory. Always and often.

Trust Him. Trust Him in the big things, and in the small things. trust Him over my flesh and my feelings, and trust that His ways really are good ways, even when I don't see or feel that. I have often told my girls to be friendly to everyone, but to trust their hearts in real friendship to few. God is reminding me that He is the one, true safe place to trust my heart.

So today I will start my day asking Him to guide m in all things, in every decision. I will remind myself that every good thing I do or receive is because of HIm, not my own efforts. I will strive to keep Him in the forefront of my thoughts, and follow His promptings instead of my feelings.

Amen.

I get the occasional butterfly in the stomach sensation, rarely, but still, once in a while I get a glimpse of a future of all He has promised, and a stirring up of hope.

He says we are blessed when we come in, and blessed when we go out . He says He will make our latter days better than the former. He says we are destined to prosper and not falter, and that no weapon formed against us will prosper. He says that He is in us, and never leaves nor forsakes us. He says nothing is too great for Him. He says if we ask in prayer, believing, we will receive what we ask for. He says greater is Him Who is in me than him who is in this world. He says He desires mercy and not sacrifice. He says to love Him above all else, and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

What if I believe Him?

OK, do you ever feel like God is shouting at you? Not in a bad way of anger, but emphatically wanting so very desperately for you to hear Him?

I love those moments, because I know He only wants me to hear Him so he can bless me with solutions, and I can move forward in hope and in the path he wants to guide me on. I love knowing He cares about me enough to make sure I hear Him, He is actually thinking of me!

Sometimes He "shouts" at me the same thing, but over time. A verse repeated here and there one morning, then a few weeks later, same verse from different sources, or repetition of the verse elsewhere in the Bible.

Well, He has recently been leading me very clearly in one direction, and I want to commemorate it here as  testament to His goodness, so I can look back and see where he started with me and what He had in mind.

So it is this... "His mercy and loving kindness". I have been led to read this in so many places recently, and have reminded myself that it is His character and it is unchanging. But then today I was led to Psalm 136... and the phrase "His mercy and loving kindness endure forever" is repeated in every single verse (26) of that Psalm. Every single verse.

Think He is being emphatic? Think he is making a point?

I will not doubt. I will not question. I have His Word reminding me, His mercy and loving kindness never cease, never fail, and are the very essence of Who He is.

I can rest, and I can trust. I got the Message.

I am growing. I feel God speaking to me, differently though. Typically I hear God in big, bold ways, knowing definitively what He is saying.
Now it is more of a whisper... I think because I have been saying so much, He is showing me how to listen again. For that small, still voice that carries the wisdom of the King.
I have regrets.
I wish I could have a do over at parenting. At being a wife. At being a daughter and friend.
But instead, I believe He is telling me it is ok to start where I am. He is big enough to redeem all my mistakes.
He is bigger than me.
I was never God, and my mis-steps cannot diminish His power in my family's lives.
If I relinquish the reins to Him He can make all things new.
Please, Lord God, forgive my mistakes and let Your supernatural mercies and grace overflow onto my family.

His grace transforms. His love changes. His peace sustains.
Yet His message in much of the church today has been diluted and distorted to put the emphasis on us. On our efforts. On our behavior.
God knew we could never be enough, could never measure up to Him.
He didn't expect us to. He knows that we are not perfect- The One Who is perfect recognizes our frailty more than any other.
And blessedly He loves us so much He took care of everything.
Think of that statement.
He took care of everything.... every thing. Jesus paid the price, made the way, and then ascended to be our Advocate at the Father's right hand.
Is there anything more glorious or encouraging than that?
He did it all.
So we don't have to.
We can rest. We can be still.
We can enjoy life- the gift of our Father.
Praise Him!!

Praying and seeking God about healing.. this was today's devotional from Joseph Prince Ministries, and I am so thankful for His Truth being explained so clearly, and ministering to me at exactly the moment I asked. God is so good, and I love that He shares His wisdom freely. I also love that His Word is always good and always encouraging... too often the church has not had a real understanding of it because of lack of knowledge, tradition, or poor translating. When clarified, however, it always brings comfort and the assurance that it is ALL about God... never our efforts beyond believing and relying on our Good God. He has done all the work. He is God. ~ Kelly

Meditate On

…Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Matthew 19:26

If You Can Believe

When a poor demon-possessed child was brought to Jesus, the father of the child, obviously desperate, said to Jesus, “…if You can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” Jesus’ replied, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes” (Mark 9:22–23).
Now, many of us have been taught that Jesus was saying that as long as you have the necessary faith, all things are possible for you. In other words, if you can produce the faith, you can have your miracle. But is this what Jesus meant?
If you study the Greek structure of this verse, what Jesus was actually saying was that all things are possible for Him who always believes. Jesus is the only Man who always believes, who always has perfect faith. And because He is Lord, all things are possible for Him!
My friend, simply hook your limited faith to the perfect faith of the Son of God. Just believe that He Himself has all the faith for your miracle. Even when you are faithless, believe that He remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:13). When you rest in His faith that NEVER fails, you’ll see His faithfulness bring your miracle to pass! ~ Joseph Prince Ministries

I have prayed.
I have fasted.
I have rebuked, bound, loosed, prayed crying, prostrate on the floor. I have recited prayers, written prayers, quoted scripture, and surrounded myself with His Word.
I have carried my Bible to every appointment, clinging to its presence for comfort.
Yet I still felt alone. So alone, and so confused.
I know my God. I love my God.
He never leaves nor forsakes me. He holds me in the palm of His hand.
He delights over me with singing and rejoicing.
So what was going on? Where was He?
He was there. He always was, and always will be.
He went before us, preparing the way for us to be blessed, even when we doubted and didn't give Him the praise. (Forgive me Lord- You are SO good to us!)
He was the nurse who shared her faith with us. The friend who texted randomly to pray for us.
The acquaintance who texted through a long night, lifting me up and reassuring me.
He was the sun rising after another sleepless night, and the stars that pierced the darkness when I escaped alone to cry out.
He was the glimmer of hope each new day.
His mercies are new every morning.
He is Emmanuel. He is with us. Always. Sometimes we just feel His Presence in ways we don't expect.
Thank You Jesus. You are worthy to be praised. 
I'm so thankful that you truly never leave nor forsake us, and are more Present than we could ever imagine. Emmannuel.

Two years have passed since I last posted here.
Two years of life that I mostly want to forget. When I last wrote here, Cailin was a junior and Cassidy a freshman. We had high hopes for the year and the girls were eager to accomplish big things.
Instead we began a journey of concussion recovery, hopelessness, isolation, fear, rebellion , anger doubt.... any negative emotion you can name, we have had it. Multiple hospitalizations, doctor visits far too numerous to count, specialists in areas I never even knew you could specialize, and a seemingly never ending battle with pain, in all forms.
But I miss writing, even just for myself to reflect back on. I miss recording God's faithfulness, so I can be reminded when all looks lost, that He has carried us before and He is carrying us still.
He is never changing, He is ever faithful. He is God. He is Good. He is Truth.
I need to remind myself that the journey is far from over; He is still writing our story and He is still faithful to fulfill His Word- that His plans are for us to prosper, and not falter, that He has goodness and mercy for us all the days of our lives. That He promises favor and redemption.
So I write. And remember.

rain and leaves falling. is there a better combination? i could have soup for dinner every night, were it not for my carnivorous husband. i love fall, and all it brings with it.

today i am headed to wv to measure a space for clients, then catching cassidy's volleyball game on my way back into town. driving in the mountains in the fall is definitely a perk of the job. nothing exciting, but a day of blessings i want to remember. thank you God!

He Is More Than Enough

Looking back at old posts, I am amazed at little details of life I had forgotten. Nuggets that, when read, flooded my mind with memories of that moment in time. Good memories and hard ones, but all part of our family's history. I need that. I need those reminders of the life we are living, and although I journal, I most often write out prayers rather than the details of our life.

And so I want to be more diligent to record our lives here. To make note of each day, because it is a gift. No matter what it holds, it is a treasure from God, and deserves to be celebrated in some small way. Our legacy.

So today, I sit here, wishing for an easy heart instead of one that seems filled with lead, and a spirit that is stretching to reach the surface and gasp fresh air into lungs that feel submerged beneath the weight of the world. For 4 weeks we have been battling near constant and intense pain in Cailin's head, as she suffers from a preventable concussion from cheer. She is unable to do school work or cheer, or just be her happy self. I trust God. I really do. He is her Healer. I know He is the great Restorer. Yet I allow myself to sink beneath waves of doubt and fear, drowning under the weight of what if's and why's. This is not His way. This is not a life abundant. Why do I allow this?

Because it is easier to fret and feel as if I am contributing to her wellness. If I worry and over research I am doing my part, right? I'm helping. When in reality all I am doing is spinning my wheels and neglecting the most important thing. Trusting Him. Relying on Him. Letting Him do His work in her and in our family.

So I remind myself to trust. To let go. To breathe. He is faithful to His Word. He is faithful to my girl. He is.