His

I was just thinking.

They really are His.

As Christians, we all say that, believing it, since He said it.

But today, I felt it.

Really felt that they are Someone else's,

and I am just taking care of them for a while.

Am I speaking to them in the way that He would desire?

Are the decisions I'm making for them according to His will?

Is what I am doing pleasing to Him?

But then, I felt the gratitude of knowing,

 in a wave of comfort and peace,

that He is always steering me in the right direction.

That He chose me to be their Mom.

That He will give me everything I need.

He is.

Not only am I their Mommy, but still His child as well.

He has us covered, all of us.

Cook's Country

I love this magazine!

They test standby recipes (as well as local specialties) and perfect them,

making them delicious and also easy and fast to prepare.

Apparently there is also a show on PBS,

which I haven't seen.

But I will be looking for it.

Especially since it is filmed on this farm, in this house. 

Is this not a dream home, or what?

Apparently this farm still has a few cows and a dairy barn.

Not too many years ago, when it was a 200 acre working farm,

they used to drive the cattle down the main street from the pasture

to the barn for milking.

Doesn't that sound enchanting?

Of course in today's world we would all be so impatient to get

where we were going, that the inconvenience

 of waiting for the cow parade to pass

would be intolerable.

I miss those slower days.

Trivial Pursuits

Cailin ate her breakfast at the kitchen counter while Cassidy primped her hair in the bathroom mirror.

We had 10 minutes until I needed to start barking out orders and rushing everyone to the bus, so it was the perfect time to steal away to my office for a few minutes of facebook and blogging.

After a few minutes I felt convicted that these free moments are precious and few, and would be better spent with the girls instead of on the computer, so I immediately popped up the stairs to the kitchen.

As I topped the stairs and could see Cailin's stool, it was bare. She wasn't there any more, she had wandered off in my absence.

The image of the dimmed kitchen, empty now, hit me with an almost physical force. She was gone, and I had missed her.

For the moment she was just down the hall, but too soon, she will be in a dorm or a home of her own, with Cassidy soon to follow, and my kitchen will be empty every day.

I know that God chose to use this morning to speak to me, to remind me of what is truly important, and where my time is to be spent.

The days are fleeting, and as endless as some of them seem, that is an illusion. I want to make better choices, I want to be present, I don't want to miss those moments that may be no more than filling a milk glass, because no matter how trivial, they are with the ones I love.

There is nothing trivial about that.

The Good Life

I'm not really a fan of the morning.

Actually, I love mornings once I am awake,

it's just the waking up part

that I struggle with.

So this morning, when Rusty's alarm went off at 5:20

it was very out of character for me to hop out of bed

and get started with the day.

I popped a load of laundry in the dryer ,

(at 10:00 last night I realized Cailin's PE uniform needed to be washed)

put the tea kettle on to boil

 so the girls could have their hot cocoa and tea,

and then started folding the towels that had been blocking

the door to the laundry room for a few days.

Or maybe for a week.

I opened the blinds, made the bed,

and then enjoyed a leisurely time of prayer and journaling.

Mundane or not, as I bustle around the kitchen,

prepping a roast for the crock pot and sorting out the pantry,

I feel so blessed that I get to be the one doing this for my family.

 Cooking, cleaning, and washing out PE uniforms aren't glamorous,

but knowing I will always have things taken care of for the girls,

and that home is here ready for their return,

is a reassurance that is priceless. 

I think glamour must be over - rated, anyway.

I love 13

Only a 13 year old would talk on her cell phone while jumping on the trampoline.

I love this age.

The Really Bad Before

When we looked at this house over a year ago, we fell in love with the neighborhood and the woods surrounding us. The high ceilings and beautiful trim work captivated Rusty,  and even though we recognized that a lot of the house wasn't our style, we weren't scared of the challenge.

We love renovating and putting our stamp on our home, and with my ideas and Rusty's effort, we're a great team. (Yes, he insists that a paintbrush fits my hand, too, but let's not test that theory, 'kay?)

As we toured the main level I saw changes I would want to make, but nothing that prepared me for what I would want to do when I saw the  master bath...

Yes, that is an extremely narrow door, and no, we aren't abnormally narrow people!

However, that is probably a good thing because we certainly never wanted to go through that door to the moldy interior, blech! You can't see the "best" part, which is the black and pink flowered powder room, which really sets off the mauve toilet and tub. I told Rusty it takes a real man to use a pink potty!

Everywhere we looked there were different, albeit consistently ugly, finishes that led me to nick name the bathroom the "train wreck".

But we agreed that we could do ugly for a while, and boy did it qualify, so we have been living with the pink and gray, and schlepping  our toiletries down the hall to the girls bathroom for showers while we saved and dreamed. Hallelujah, the time has come and Momma is gonna get a new bathtub! We are a few weeks into our reno, and I am beginning to have hope that I may shower without looking like a college coed one day soon.

Nothing, But It Was Good

Tonight was filled with nothing. I got home late and found Papa and the girls relaxing in the basement, with Cassidy making paper beads and Cailin sniffling through the cold she has been fighting since Saturday.

After a 2 1/2 hour drive home, which fell on the heels of a 3 hour meeting, which had been preceded by a 2 1/2 hour drive there, I was a tad bit lazy sleepy, and ever so grateful for the white chicken chili in the crockpot. I kissed the girls, heard some stories about bus and boys drama (one and the same... life lesson 12,001... when one boy tells another boy that you like him, boy #1 really likes you and is testing the waters), and crashed for a few minutes to read email and blogs.

Cailin joined me while I cleaned the kitchen and shared more about her day and her school work, or lack of it, which is an entirely other post. Cassidy had expanded her paper bead jewelry making to head bands and came upstairs to snatch a few old ones for her efforts, and Cailin and I snuggled on the sofa. I didn't enjoy seeing her under the weather, but took full advantage of the cuddles resulting.

A load of towels in the washer, supplements doled out (and then again when Cailin tried to pass hers off to her sister),  cough medicine given and Vick's salve rubbed in, and we were off to bed. Prayers, giggles, hugs and kisses, a few more sniffles from Cailin and an extra kiss from Cassidy, and the night is done.

An evening filled with absolutely nothing, and yet one that filled my heart.

Cozy Fall Evenings

This Weekend I...

• Enjoyed catching up with friends, while our children auditioned for A Christmas Carol.
• Spent a Friday night at home doing very little beyond reading decorating blogs.
• Enjoyed the beautiful fall weather at our annual day of Nascar, at the Richmond Races with some of our favorite friends. The people watching cannot be surpassed and is one of the highlights of my year. This time was no exception as the "shirtless cowboys" tailgating next to us decided to lasso one another. Have mercy!
• Watched the girls jump for hours on the trampoline Daddy and Papa set up Saturday morning.
• Underestimated the physical ability required to remain standing on a trampoline when 2 monkeys are jumping and doing their best to terrorize their mother. Laughed hysterically at the image I must have made.
• Spent some quality time at Home Depot looking for tubs and tile for our bathroom renovation.
• Read "The Fixer Upper" by Mary Kay Andrews in guilt free peace, since Rusty was in the mood for delivery pizza for dinner. Not cooking Sunday dinner is a rare treat and great ending to the weekend.

Hold On Tight

I love this hug. Sums up everything I think sisters should be about. 

It reminds me of the way I am clinging to God right now, as I process

the changes I hadn't foreseen in our family.

I love knowing that He is holding on to me just as tightly,

and He promises never to let go.

Joy Comes In The Morning

Today when I awakened, I felt it. That first sparkling glimmer of hope breaking through the bleak despair that has held my hand these past weeks. A sense of "me"  struggling, as if swimming through deep water, trying to break the surface and reach the luminous light at the top. Yet I realize it isn't me who is breaking free, it is the Holy Spirit in me, acting as lifeguard, carrying me to safety while I rest easily in His arms, passively watching to see where He is taking me.

I know now that it will be ok, this new place I am journeying to. It will be better than ok because He orchestrated it, He planned it, and He has been so eager to show me this new place. The wailing and gnashing of my teeth as I fought Him on this voyage didn't alter the course or make Him doubt his plan, rather it saddened Him that I was missing out on the great things He was taking me to. He wanted me to celebrate, and instead I chose to doubt and wonder, making comparison instead of looking with expectancy .

I asked Him to make me different. I asked Him to show me the best for my family, to draw us to Him and to seek Him desperately. And then I thought He misunderstood. His directions were not what I asked for, this must be a test. If I passed, He would set us back on the better course, the one which makes sense to me. But then, He spoke, and finally, I listened. The  quote that has been on my sidebar for over a year, has been waiting patiently for the day I would read it with an open spirit, and know I had received my answer.

"When you and I desire God's best for us, but become annoyed when He steps in to change the course of our lives, we rebel against the very thing we prayed for." Priscilla Shirer

First Day Of School

The girls are ready for their new adventure! I'm not, but I am not known for my love of change. Deciding to leave our Christian school the night before school started was the hardest decision of our life. Praying God has an amazing plan for them and trusting Him to lead us where we never planned to go.

Topsy Turvy

I feel like I am in a dream in Alice In Wonderland, nothing is as it should be. We aren't going to the Christian school we have attended for 8 years, but instead are going to a public school we never even considered until 2 weeks ago, and I am hearing people say the very things I myself said for years, now in shock and disbelief.

For example, Rusty's high school played our former (as of yesterday!) Christian school tonight. It was surreal. Yesterday Cailin was a cheerleader for that school, and today her team mates were texting her messages of anger at her abandoning them. As we chatted with friends, one of the students said "Jesus loves you" to the public school players, as if this was a foreign concept that only Christian school kids would know. Yuck! Double yuck!  I saw football players scoffing at some of the kids from the other school, in a superior attitude not Christlike at all. My heart hurts at the reality that the utopia I imagined was a farce, an illusion I created to make myself feel I was doing the absolute best I could do for the girls, when in fact, kids are kids everywhere, and unfortunately, many in private schools are elitist Christians- an oxymoron if I ever saw one. I am so ashamed that I may have shared that false pride in their school, so ashamed!

Rusty welcomed the visitors to his (public and rural) school, and even took free popcorn over and passed it out in the stands. I was so proud of him, and felt like a breath of fresh air filled my spirit. He was living his faith instead of talking about it. In that moment I realized, no matter how hard and no matter how alone I may feel, we made the right choice. God is NOT only in Christian schools, but He is most definitely ONLY in Christians, wherever they may be.

Father God, please forgive me for my prejudices and preconceived notions. Cleanse my heart and soul, and bless my girls wherever they go, that they know You are with them and guiding them.

Never Say Never

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Except we won't be there. The girls friends have been called, and told the news that they won't be there in matching outfits after all, because they are going to go to public school. For the first time ever... for middle school.

This was never my plan. Never our plan. Yet here we are. I have to believe it is God's plan, and that means it is better than we could have hoped or imagined.

I hope so.

No Matter What

I'm discovering that it's easy to feel peace and joy when things look like they are going according to my plan.
I don't mind "relinquishing control" when God seems to be leading in the direction I would like to go.
I love my husband being the leader of my home, when he makes the choices I would like to make.
But I'm not quite sure what to do when the answers start looking like "no".
When do I continue to pray and believe, knowing in my heart the desires there were planted there by God?
When do I let them go, knowing He gave me a husband to protect and guide me, and who would never make a decision that wasn't in our family's best interest?
I cling to the knowledge that God is for me, and so I will trust in hope, no matter what.

Will They Ever Stay Home Again?

Cailin in her first cheer uniform,

getting ready to leave for a week of camp.

I'm so proud of her for trying out for the jv squad, as an 8th grader,

and making it even though it was her first time cheering.

I hope she has a great week with her friends

and learns all kinds of new techniques.

However, I did mention to her that if she wanted to

stand off to the side and just applaud her teammates,

instead of being a "flyer" I would be totally ok with it:-)

To add insult to injury, while she is at camp

Nana and Papa are taking Cassidy camping,

so I am, once again, home without my girls!

Oh, well, it gives Rusty and I the opportunity to clear out the

basement so we don't look like we belong on Oprah as hoarders!

Colossians 3

I may be the last to notice this, but Colossians 3 is like a hand book for the family. It is so powerful I have started reading through it each morning during my devotions, to encourage me and remind me of what God expects of me.
Today this verse really spoke to me...
Colossians 3:15: Let the word spoken by Christ have its home and dwell in you in all its richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom (in spiritual things, and as you sing) psalms, making melody to God with His grace in your hearts.

To Do

I love lists.

I love writing my "to do" list for the day, and then checking off each item as it is completed.

I also love to keep my lists, and look back at them. It's reassuring, really, to see that I actually am accomplishing things in my days and not just spinning my wheels, as it often seems.
Lately I have been carrying a spiral bound journal that I found on clearance at Pier One. It has a fun cover and smooth pages. (I'm a stickler for the feel of paper to write on, as well as the pens I use. Quirky much?)
I am loving it because I can look back and see exactly what was going on in our life at that time, and it brings back such sweet memories.

"Take Cailin's costume to the cleaners",  immediately takes me back to those fun and crazy days when she was performing as Little Alice" in "Alice In Wonderland" last fall. She grew in her confidence so much in that role, and had such sweet times with her cast mates.
In another, older, book I found names and numbers of cardiologists, written in a shaky hand and with lots of nervous doodles. I remember making those notes as we decided on the surgeon who would do my Dad's triple bypass. I remember every detail of that day, the light in my office, the way I was sitting with feet up on the desk, crying intermittently as I researched his condition and spoke to physician's offices. Now it is a testimony to God's grace and healing hand as we celebrate the two year anniversary of his restored health. (Praise God!)

Another page mentions mundane tasks like trips to the library, returns to make, and items to pick up at the grocery store. People to call and school parties to plan fill a corner of another days notes, and reminders to record my debit receipts show up on nearly every days agenda.

It's interesting that when I make these lists it really is just a way to keep me focused and on track in the hectic days that are our life. They are generic things that every mother in America is doing, nothing special, yet when I look back at them, they have the added bonus of memory attached to them. They are our life on paper. Memories of those tasks hold  deep emotions as they are less a reflection of what I needed to do, and more of what God has done.

What a tangible reminder that no matter what  I have to do, I know God will be the One to get it done.

Whispers

If you ask God to speak to you, He will.

But be ready, because there is no greater thrill

than hearing Him address the very thing you have prayed for.

The challenge is to be still and hear, and then to step out and obey.

I love the adventure that is life in Him.

A Cross Roads

I am so blessed to be their mother.

Am I doing this most important job justice?

I make sure they have all the necessities and shuttle them, gladly, to their many activities.
I make their meals and welcome their friends. I tuck them in and wake them for breakfast.
As we go about our days, I sneak in tidbits of wisdom  regarding friends and life, and pray that it settles into the crevices of their hearts.
Yet this morning, as I look at our time together as a family, I feel that I'm missing something. Something unidentifiable yet critical.
I feel like there are desires God has planted in my heart that I have ignored because of the sacrifice they would require.
I am afraid of rocking the boat, of fighting for something I'm not even 100% certain I should be seeking anyway.
I weigh the "what ifs", and fear making wrong decisions and having to live with the consequences.
I worry about being alone in my beliefs in a situation that desperately cries out for unity.
I am seeking, but I'm not brave enough to take the first step.
My greatest fear is missing the opportunity and blessing because of indecision.
My faith is tested.