I don't remember a time when I didn't know Jesus. When I didn't fall asleep praying to Him, or ever  considering myself anything other than a Christian. 

I studied His Word for hours a day. Was in many Bible studies and knew Him well.

But He Who began a good work in me will bring it to completion. He perfects that which concerns me. (phil 16, ps. 138:8).

Which means even as I grew and knew Him and loved Him and saw His power in my life, many , many times, He is still at work, even at 52! And that thrills me and gives me hope for the future!

He is changing me from glory to glory.

He is making me gentler. More loving. More considerate. Less selfish.

He is doing a new thing! Now it springs up! Do you not perceive it? He is even making a way in the wilderness and streams in the desert!". Isaiah 43:19

To Him be the glory. Amen

I love Jesus. And loving Jesus means loving His people. Even the unlovable ones (like me on some days!).

I find that some of the hardest for me to love and show grace to, though, are His children. The ones who claim His Name as their own, and yet all too often, seem to behave more like the leaders in their church or the "church" as a whole, rather than like Him. I don't think they are "bad", or intentionally ignoring His command to love Him and take on the character of the Father. I think it is just easy to look to those around us and model our words and behaviors on those we see and are led by, rather than the One we can't tangibly see, and Who isn't sitting with us in our small group coffee dates.

A blogger whom I truly enjoy, and find to be a devoted follower of Christ, posted something today about some college girls. I am sure she intended it to be a positive thing, when she described them as "solid and quality girls". Yet it absolutely tore through my spirit like a knife. This is exactly the youth group mentality that is filling our churches and raising up generation after generation of pharisees. The girls who wear one pieces and long skirts, and then whisper behind their hands at the new girl who catches the boys attention. The kids who are praised for their church attendance and scripture memorization (good things!) yet don't have any true revelation of the Word in their own life. Kids who are not drawing others to them, but instead are creating an invisible bubble of us vs. them.

My prayer is that each of us who knows Jesus will make the choice, day in and day out, to show our kids Jesus in our actions, in our faith and in our words. Not just quoting the scriptures, but really being changed by them. And that we will take our faith to a level beyond just telling our kids how to dress, and instead teach them how to love. Once they get that, the rest is second nature. The nature of The Father, Who will fill them with His knowledge when they choose to receive and walk in His love.

No Regret.

This is what God clearly spoke to my soul this morning, as I found myself tearing up, once again, as I pondered what appears to me to be yet another loss. A disappointment. A dream deferred.

It isn't what I want, it isn't what the other person involved  should want, either, if you asked me. But noone did, and so the plans I had ,for someone else, are being turned upside down, and my sadness weighs heavily on my thoughts.

Yet God clearly tells me to have No Regret. He wants me to be ok with things not going according to my plan. Plans for someone for whom I have prayed that "His plans are to prosper, and not harm, plans for blessing and not curse. " Someone I have entrusted to His hands over and over... and plead for wisdom in their life and in my counsel over them. A person who is seeking Him, not in my ways but in their own. Someone who is desperate to stand on their own two feet and not feel compelled or swayed by the desires of others.

And so I slowly start to hear Him more clearly. Reminding me that He is faithful and true. His ways are not my ways, but are higher than my ways. He says I can trust Him, that He knows and sees all, and never leaves nor forsakes us. My first thought is. "yes, but...".  But I want them to be in this certain place. But I want them doing this thing. But I want them to have this_________. But. But. But.

All sentences starting with rebellion and ending with me. Because every thought is one based on my own desires, or how I think they would best find success and happiness in this world. Every sentence ends with what would make me happy, what would fulfill my plans, what would be the natural continuation of what was started. It is easier financially and emotionally for me. Me. me. Me.

I sound like a spoiled child. And then I realize that even in this, God is gracious. He doesn't condemn. he doesn't make me feel selfish. Instead He reassures me- to have No Regret. To release my own expectations. And to trust in Him. His ways are all that I have prayed and lectured. His ways are all that His Word promises. His ways are always better and always in His perfect timing. Not mine.

And so, even as I write these words of realization,  the memories and sadness fight for center stage in my mind, and I know I have to make a choice. To live in the "But/me", or to reject those thoughts and choose instead, "But God".

At lunch, some friends and I were discussing an anecdote, where a very wealthy woman was treated poorly at an exclusive boutique, and left the store, humiliated. Though well able to afford anything there, and a frequent shopper, she was not recognized as such, and was spoken "down" to by the salesperson.  When her husband, an executive and well connected man in the community,  heard, he was livid, and went immediately to the store , to her defense. As he addressed them and their shabby treatment of his wife, he said , "Do you know who I am?!".

Reflecting on this later, driving home (when I do my best thinking!), it occurred to me that as children of the King of Kings, we should all be looking at our trials, our attacks, our sicknesses and defeats; at every lie the enemy puts to us, we should be looking straight in the face, and saying, not "do you know who I am?", but instead, "Do you know WHOSE I am?". I am the daughter of the One Who won victory in every circumstance. I am the daughter of the One Who is, and is to come. I am the daughter of the One Who created every thing. I am the daughter of the Alpha and Omega. 

We should boldly declare our position of righteousness and power over every threat; not because of our name or what we have or what we have done. But because the Blood of Jesus cries out on our behalf. Always and in every circumstance. 

Glory be to God on High. Who was, and is, and is to come.

Praise Him

I like words. I like to talk things out, but I also like to process things through writing. So I journal, and I used to occasionally blog. But I realize that when things are too hard and too painful, I go silent. I retreat and isolate. And so, I have been silent for too long.

My journal has months long gaps, and I haven't blogged in years. It is as if time stood still, and in a way it has, as I processed the changes... the losses... and the changes in perspective.  There was a time when I thought I was a Faith Giant, probably would have included my name among the giants of Hebrews. As I cried out to God to "restore my faith" to who I was then, I truly remembered it as a time of great faith and peace. And then I found a journal from those days, and faced the truth that I had already been struggling. I was already a puddle of doubt and fear. I was already on the floor crying out, floundering in emotions and circumstances I hadn't predicted. And so I was encouraged, that God had actually been growing me since then. He has been building my faith and increasing my knowledge of Him... I haven't been missing Him, He has been teaching me through the bumps. And so I am hopeful. He Who began a good work in me will ring it to completion. He doesn't do things half way. This isn't the end of the story... and He truly does have good things for me and my family.

So I am determined to get back to journaling here. To remind myself that He has been good and faithful. That just because the terrain doesn't look like what I expected, doesn't mean He isn't still bringing us to the Promised Land. I am going to write our story, because while I was waiting for it to be all tied up in a perfect bow of testimony, the truth is that the testimony is in Him showing up every single day and carrying us, and blessing us with His love. The testimony is in His daily goodness and the love He has showered on us when all we saw was the rain. I will write because he is worthy to be praised and I will praise Him in every way I can. Not for others to read, but for me to remember the goodness He has shown us in the land of the living.

Good Things

Our God has good things for us. He is a good God, and His mercies are new every day.

He inhabits our praise, and He is worthy to be praised.

So this week God has led me so clearly to reminders that His mercy and loving kindness endure forever. Psalm 136... and so many others, have spoken repeatedly of his enduring mercy and loving kindness. And I made note, and have meditated on this knowledge.

So after not being here or writing here for several months, I checked in. Only to see that last February 13th, one year ago, He showed me that same revelation. I am now ministering to myself a year later! Isn't God so good?