I am Little Miss Happy Pants!

I just had to laugh, re-reading my post from this morning. I sound so chipper, and pollyanna-ish, that it reminded me of one of my favorite in - law stories.

A few Christmases ago, while visiting with Rusty's family (on our once a year 3 hour visits. We're close as you can tell.), his older sister was telling us about a PTA mom from her son's school who frequently calls "Big Sis" on her cell phone. Big Sis was upset because this other mom calls her frequently, and uses up her cell phone minutes on silly chit chat, so she said she just doesn't answer anymore and looks the other way when passing her house.

Well, it didn't stop there, oh no siree! Big Sis went on to elaborate about this mother, describing her cute little outfits, and the way she is so super involved in her children's lives, and then, the biggeee... she described how PTA Mommy loves to surprise her husband by mowing the lawn for him, and even told Big sis that she uses it as her prayer time- just rides the lawnmower around the yard praying and singing praise songs to the Lord.

Well I had been charmed by the description of this sweet, godly woman, and thought she sounded delightful. I tend to be a pretty involved Mom and am a little on the perky side. Top that off with my love of driving and worshiping God all alone in my Mommy mobile and I was really identifying with this little mama. Thinking, mistakenly, that Big Sis was being complimentary in her description of this woman, I started to say "My gosh, that sounds just like me!". I didn't get the chance though, as Big Sis rounded out the tale with the closing line, "I just hate that little Miss Happy Pants! She is so darn happy all the time!". Well then! Imagine the audacity of actually being happy! Glad I didn't mention our similarities!

I laugh in retrospect still, at the mental picture of the smile sliding off my face as I realized that, Lord have mercy, I AM little Miss Happy Pants, and my sister in law would hate me if she knew me. Oh my! Rusty thought it was one of the funniest moments ever, and reminded me that it is exactly why he loves me! And that is why, among my dearest friends, I am Little Miss Happy Pants"!

Summer Is Here!

Cailin's hair has streaks of blonde running through it, and the pool bag is riding shotgun in the minivan... looks like it is officially time for fun in the sun!

This time of year always surprises me with its beauty and ability to fill my heart with sparks of happiness. Awakening early and hearing the birds chirp makes me feel like Snow White. I mean literally, my heart feels like it is singing with the joy that is God's creation! I love to sit on the deck with my tea and my bag of Bible studies, letting God lead me to the study my heart needs that day. I feel closer to Him, and in turn the rest of my day is better. I am better able to handle the rough spots, because I have had those first minutes of the day in solitude with the Lord. Oh, how I wish every day was summer!

James 4:4

You {are like} unfaithful wives {having illicit love affairs with the world and breaking your marriage vow to God!} Do you not know that being the world's friend is being God's enemy? So whoever chooses to be a friend of the world takes his stand as an enemy of God.

I have read this verse before; it is a commonly quoted one in the church, I think. Yet, today, this verse, in this version (Amplified- my favorite, by the way!) it spoke to me sharply.

If asked, I would say I am not a "friend of the world", but rather a child of God. I love the Lord, I seek His counsel on nearly everything and love Him passionately. But do I occassionally flirt with the world when I join in a conversation criticizing another mom at school? Am I not having a love affair with the world when I choose "Desperate Housewives" over the telecast of my favorite preacher? (AGAIN!) When I go along with my Christian friends in a gossip fest instead of gently reminding us of God's opinion of gossip , do I not step outside the bounds of my marriage vow to God? What could it be called other than unfaithfulness to God's glorious commands to us when I lash out in anger at my husband or children?

I do not want to be an enemy of God. Enemy is a strong word, but it is His and I better take heed! I do not want to be separated from Him because I lack discipline. Once again I have allowed myself to become self righteous and view myself as "above" this particular verse because I don't just go along with the crowd. I make most choices independently and am ok standing alone. God reminded me today, though, that even if I am alone, but making poor choices, I still am a friend of the world , and need to ask Him to help me rise above it. Instead of delegating this passage to the peer pressure pile, I need to apply it to my own choices and my personal daily walk with Him.

Father God, please let me seek your friendship above all else... worldy approval, personal goals, and selfish pleasure. The joy of obeying Your Word far outweighs the fleeting pleasure of selfishness. Thank You for being so good and righteous and giving us Your Word and Holy Spirit to encourage us.

10

I can't believe my baby girl is 10 years old. I am such a sap that the night before her birthday I was teary eyed and weepy, realizing that the next time I saw her she would be "10", and she just said, "Mom. You are so weird."
I put off writing about it until today, because frankly yesterday I just couldn't even think about it. Now that the big day has come and gone, I feel up to addressing it, but instead of pouring out my heart, I think I'll do a top 10 list.

Top 10 Favorite Things About Cailin (Honestly there are so many that I could re-write this list a thousand times, but here goes...)

1. The expression on her face the first time I held her. I will always remember those dark eyes staring up at me as if memorizing my face. She was so serious, and would only look at me with one eye open at a time, as if adjusting to life out of the womb gradually. We called her Popeye:-)
2. Her skinny little legs, always kicking, and that tiny little peanut bottom that newborns have. I just couldn't believe how perfect and miniature everything was- even her goosebumps were teeny tiny.
3. Cailin has always awakened with a smile. As soon as her eyes were open she was beaming up at me- eager to face the day. Those long eye lashes and her sweet smile- what a blessing to awaken to! I still linger over her sleeping face before I wake her each morning, trying to soak up the sweetness of sleep.
4. That giggle!!! She is always ready for a laugh, and was such a good natured baby! It is only in the last few months that she has become occassionally sensitive to laughter that might be at her expense. Usually, though, even now she is able to laugh at herself. As a small child I could always get her cooperation through teasing and laughter... what joy she has brought to our home!
5. Hearing her ideas, and boy does she have them!!! I don't know how many times I have heard sentences that start with "Hey Mom! I know what we could do!... or Hey Mom! I have an idea!...." I have always tried to cultivate creativity and thinking in the girls; in her case I may have taken it too far! Actually, I can't even complain because she is able to maintain her objectivity when I tell her "no", or "not today". She is very open to my suggestions, and if I "shoot down" her ideas she usually doesn't fuss or whine, but just comes up with another one!
6. I love seeing her heart develop. She has always been a very tenderhearted little girl who loves to help others. She adores children and animals, and any one who might need her help. She has always been willing to jump in where needed with a cheerful attitude and do what needs to be done. I call her my world changer. She loves God and makes no bones about it. She loves Him, and wants everyone else to, too. One of my most cherished memories is of her walking around the campground singing "This Little Light of Mine" at the top of her lungs. She hoped people would hear her and want to come ask her more about Jesus. I am so proud of her, and so ashamed that I made her hush so she wouldn't disturb others.
7. She is fun; plain and simple. I often refer to her as my good time gal, and love seeing the joy she brings to any situation.
8. The drama of that girl. Oh my, the drama! She sometimes even makes herself laugh at her outlandish antics. One for the books, this year, was when she didn't want to go to school, and threw herself to the floor of the principal's office because the burden of her bookbag was too heavy for her to bear. The pain in her tushy was too much to bear, too, shortly after this tactic:-)
9. The way she must be rubbing your elbow whenever you are within reach of her. She usually isn't even aware that she is doing it, but compulsively rubs your elbow whenever she talks to you. It is this soothing little thing she has done since she was a baby.
10. I love that she is mine. That God found me worthy, in some small way, to raise His precious child. I didn't deserve her, but like so much in life, God looked beyond my deserving into grace and blessed me anyway. She is my joy and my love. I adore her with a passion that physically hurts, and brings me to tears at the mere thought of it. My prayer each night of her life is that I would be the Mommy God wanted her to have, and that I would hear His desires for her and be obedient.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! I love you XOXO

Childlike Faith.

I noticed, one night after tuck ins, that Cassidy had created a bit of a fort in her bed by draping a comforter from the top bunk, so that it encased her like a little cocoon. The telltale illumination told me that she wasn't sleeping in that tent, but probably reading or playing with a Littlest Pet Shop puppy she had stashed under her pillow. I pulled the fabric back, in an "Aha, Caught you!" kind of Mommy move, and couldn't have been more suprised at what I found. My sweet little second grader was sitting cross legged in her bed, praying.

"Mommy, I am having special prayer time praying the kids on our street will hear God's call. " My heart could have burst, that this quiet, shy child, who often is too embarrassed for shared prayer ,and has been known to fuss when I asked if we could pray about a situation, was choosing to come to the Lord on her own. She gets it. She knows that when you have something on your mind or heart, the place to take it is to His throne.

Cassidy has battled severe allergies and eczema her whole life. For most of her life it was common for her to awaken with her legs and sheets covered in blood from the wounds on her skin that she couldn't resist scratching in her sleep. She would scream and cry as we put painful ointment on open sores. Her nights were filled with nonstop sneezing and tossing and turning. We have prayed over this child every prayer you could imagine, waiting for her to be healed. My Dad felt that God told him He was healing her from the inside out, and we believed with hope, not knowing exactly what it meant, but holding on in faith.

As she has matured, we have seen a peace fill her life; a depth of understanding to encompass her mind and heart. And as this internal peace has developed, her walk with the Lord has grown to be a light that shines from within. I believe we are seeing God's will played out in my child's life. She is in fact, being healed from within, as she turns her sinful natural heart over to the Great Physician. As He restores her heart to His image, her physical body is also being renewed. Her skin is smooth and she now rarely requires medication. She is a happy child who is learning more every day to trust in Him, as she sees what He has done in her life, and she wants to share it with others, in her own quiet, faithful way.

Since the night I discovered her praying she has made it a nightly ritual, and as I pass by her room I see the light under the blanket, and my heart swells. She has begun inviting her sister to join her, and seeing the two of them praying together, and journaling their prayers in her special "prayer book" is one of the greatest joys of my life. (I believe we could have a full revival soon, as they have begun to add praise and worship.)

As they pray, the light that glows from within that special bunkbed chapel is a physical reminder of the Light that shines from within their hearts. And I thank God. Oh, how I thank God.

I am a friend of God.

Someone hurt my daughter's feelings yesterday, and in turn hurt mine. Moms tend to feel everything their children do, tenfold, and then spend the rest of the day (and night, in my case unfortunately!) plotting a revenge.

Ironically most of my resentment stems from the fact that this parent is a Christian whom we have know for years. I was angry because I felt that for a friend to be unkind was such a betrayel, and if they are that inconsiderate then they can't be my friend. In my mind Christians aren't selfish and mean spirited and gossipy. They are kind and loving and, forgiving. Ahem. So while I wasted hours stewing with self righteous anger at this "so called Christian's" lack of love, I was living out exactly the same sin. What is that about a plank in your own eye? Ouch!

So as I sat down to vent share, I realized I was singing "I am a friend of God"... and therein lies the answer I prayed for last night. God is my friend, my support, my One True Constant. He is always here for me (and my family) when others let me down. How awesome that the One Who created the heavens is my friend. He wanted to be with me so much that He let His Son suffer injustices for me. The anger I am feeling at a betrayel of my child, He is well acquainted with. He has been there, and His child truly was perfect.

Once again I am overwhelmed at what He really did for me, and come to Him asking for a renewed spirit, mind and heart. A spirit that keeps my eyes so focused on Him that the hurts of this world won't matter, beacuse the only One who matters is Him. A mind that takes every thought captive to His Word. And a heart that is so filled with His love that I am more concerned with the hurts I inflict than the ones I receive.

Thank You Father God for Your grace and mercy. You are greater than all others and I praise You in all things. Thank You for blessing me so abundantly with such a rich life that the biggest problem facing me today is a rude comment by another. Thank You that my children are happy, well adjusted, energetic children with fun friendships and a heart for others. Let me come to You with a heart like theirs and childlike faith. Thank You for being You, always and forever.

Exhausted after a Saturday that started before 6:00 a.m. and included a community yard sale, trip to Walmart for birthday gifts, field hockey game, soccer game, and birthday party (plus another trip to target for groceries!), I was crashed out face first on the bed beside Cassidy while she watched educationl programming the Disney channel.

She was bouncing her little feet on my bottom - yes, I exist to entertain my children at any cost to my personal comfort- when all of a sudden she stopped and said, "Shaky tushie!".

Alrighty then. Sorry the "rearend foot trampoline" isn't what it used to be sweetie!

Vive' la difference!

On the way to school the girls were poring over the Guinness Book of World Records. (Remember that- who knew it was still around!) Cailin found the youngest cliff diver, who was 12 years old. Always one for danger adventure, she exclaimed, "I could do that and be the new youngest!"

Cassidy, ever practical, said, "Cailin! Are you crazy!? You could crash your head on the rocks!!".

Gotta love those girls! Wonder who takes after who? HA!

Today , as I drove the girls to school, I realized again what a gift my life is. A life filled with the everyday tasks of taking my children to school or soccer or field hockey, planning end of year school parties and gifts for teacher appreciation days, hours spent on laundry or cooking or shopping. Truly mundane tasks. Yet they are each a gift, because they are ways I can serve my family. The family that God has so graciously given me.

Mine is not a life of great sophistication or wealth. I certainly am not the jetsetter I dreamed of as a little girl.... flying off to clients in Paris or London. My clients don't invite me to extravagent parties or to accompany them to Europe to buy antiques. I'm not using my high school french to order in fine restaurants as I once hoped. Instead I am a regular at Sonic, where my daughters love the slushes that are a step up from normal soda at McDonald's. My clients are young families who want a beautiful home on a budget. Jet setting now consists of a weeekend at the beach somewhere with a lazy river for the kids.

My life is not what I planned as a young, idealistic girl. Most of the dreams I had have not been realized. Instead God recognized that my dreams were too small, and He replaced them with His own wonderful, grandiose visions of a family dwelling in His care, loving one another and loving Him. Thank God for His infinite wisdom and grace.

I drafted this a few weeks ago when I just needed to vent. After reading BigMama today, I felt I needed to go ahead and post. So here's my heart...

I want to stay home.

I can't imagine how much Rusty hates hearing those words.It is almost always on my mind, and far too often, also on my lips.

I don't say these words because I am a homebody, although I often am. These words haunt me because they are the overly simplified way of speaking the greatest desire of my heart. What these words really are saying is, I wish I didn't have to contribute to our family's finances... I wish I had no fiscal responsibilty in this household... I wish I didn't have to worry about what to do with sick kids, or kids home for a snow day when I have to go out of town... I wish someone else was taking care of those worries about tuition and car payments... I wish I could prepare meals while the kids were at school and organize and clean their rooms before they arrive home... I wish the only thing on my mind was my family and not clients and bosses.

I sound so petty and selfish and ungrateful. After all, I am married to the most amazing man you could ever know. He does everything possible to spoil the girls and I, to make us feel cherished and adored. We are his entire world, his focus, his passion. Yet the fact remains, that he is unable to give me the one true desire of my heart- being a stay at home mom. I hate that I can't seem to get beyond this fact, that I hold it against him in the inermost part of my heart. The knowledge that despite all the sacrifices he makes for us, I still have to work. It is so selfish of me; after all, we both decided to send our girls to Christian school, knowing that as an assistant principal his salary would not cover this expense. We agree that he is where God wants him to be, ministering to hurting kids. Yet still, if I am honest, I wish he would fix it for me.I want to stay home. I say it over and over like a spoiled child, and I feel entitled and justified.

So many others, everyone I know in fact, is able to do this. I feel cheated and overlooked. Why isn't God blessing us somehow to make this happen? Just as I am almost convinced that the world is against me, I am reminded of how God has made the way for me to work from home. To have the perfect sitter when the girls were little. To allow me to cut back my hours and not my salary. To have my Dad pick the girls up and spend fun times with them after school.So many people struggle to make it and wish they could find a job, and I do nothing but complain about the one I have been given. I am ashamed... I am so blessed. God, please teach me to praise You on the path You have put me, knowing I am blessed just by being Your child, and that You are my provider.

Sometimes, out of nowhere, I just get that bubbly "blessed" feeling inside. It is Easter Break and the girls have been off since Good Friday, and Rusty took the week off, too. It has been so relaxed and pleasant that I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the blessing it has been. What a rare treat to have our whole family home together, just doing lots of "nothing".

Nothing as in...
Cleaning out the garage (and taking everything to goodwill or to the dump! You're the man honey!)
Cassidy having a sleepover at a friends and going to Funland, too!
Having a blessed Easter service at church.
Sharing a fun egg hunt with our friends from next door.
A delicious ham dinner prepared by Mommy (who needs heavenly hams!?)
A wonderful surprise from Nana and Papa who made it back from the mountains in time for dinner.
Yummy ice cream treats from Sonic with Nana and Papa
Fun shopping at Justice - who can resist!?
A sleepover at Nana's and making yummy brownies to share.
LOTS of playing outside with neighborhood friends.
Mommy getting caught up on laundry and housework. Woohoo!
Sleepover with 2 special friends and fun in the hot tub!
A day at the lake with our preschool playgroup friends (we must have would really enjoy a boat!)
A wonderful weekend at the beach.
Putt putt golf... feeding the giant carp at Broadway on the Beach... touring a battleship... walking on the beach and enjoying the sheer joy of the girls as they did cartwheels instead of walking:-)

Yes, it was a wonderful break together filled with lots of my favorite type of "nothing"!

While at the library a few weeks ago, I allowed the girls to go to the potty alone.
Realizing they had been in there for some time, I opened the door to the ladies restroom to hurry them along. There the two of them were by the sinks, with Cassidy waving her hands around while Cailin giggled.

As I nagged encouraged them to hurry up , Cassidy told me that she was finished, she just had to dry her hands, and "they were out of paper towels so she had to use the air thingy". Pushing the button, nothing came out, so she continued in all sincerity, as she located the metallic dispenser on the other wall, "unless someone has a quarter to buy me a napkin!".

Bless her heart! I love that child.

We have been blessed with two equally wonderful, yet distinctly different daughters. God knew that it would be so much more fun to keep us on our toes with this parenting thing, so he made sure they treat every aspect of life from a unique perspective.

Our 9 year old Cailin wants to do everything. From field hockey to science fairs, from gymnastics to theater, the girl is there! What is her vehicle for choice as an adult? A harley. Skydiving? Sounds fun! Offer it up, and her answer has always been a resounding "YES!". I joke that when dropping her off somewhere new ( It could be a hell's angel rally for pete's sake!) I just need to slow down long enough for her to jump out and race inside to see WHAT.FUN.THING.SHE.CAN.TRY.

I love this fearless attitude of hers, since I have always been a thinker. Ponderer. Control Freak. Whatever you call it, I have not been the sort to jump feet first into things. I want to know what I am getting into, decide if I want to get into it, and then slowly tiptoe into the waters of life. My husband, on the other hand, has always thrilled me with his "can do" attitude. It is part of what attracted me to him and a large reason we have so many fun adventures as a family. Though I must point out that we know how to get where we are going because I have planned the way. And brought snacks. And a rubbermaid container with wet wipes, trash bags, paper towels and an assortment of educational activities for the kids.

But I digress. The point is that I love Cailin's zest for new things, and assumed that both my daughters would be blessed with Daddy's adventurous spirit since they so obviously received my temperament. I was wrong. Cassidy is very much her mother's daughter.

This weekend was the ulitmate eye opener in just how different the girls are in this regard. For the first time ever, Cassidy had asked to play on a sport's team. She chose soccer, since field hockey (her sister's favorite) is "too dangerous! You shouldn't run with sticks!". So we signed her up, thrilled that she had asked to do something.

Of course, as soon as I signed her up, and paid the registration fee, and the late registration fee, and bought the cute new outfit and duffle bag and mouthguard and cleats and sticker for the car (oh yeah- she could have whatever she wanted. We.were.excited!) she panicked and cried hysterically that she hated soccer and didn't want to do it. OK, well now we had a problem, and not even the one related to how much money Daddy just spent at Play It Again Sports. The problem is that we had been praying with her and working hard at helping her overcome fear and the grip it holds on her little heart. If we let her continue to quit everytime she was nervous, there was the very real concern that she might wind up living in our basement with her 23 cats at the age of 45. We firmly believe that once in awhile you just have to face fear and give things a shot.

We gently explained to her that we are not setting our hopes on seeing her in the Olympics, and that she only has to do this one season, but that she asked to do it, we didn't force her, and now she was going to honor that commitment. (I think we showed amazing restraint in not whipping out the receipt and reminding her of our commitment!) We knew that she really wanted to do it and it was only her self consciousness making her hesitant. She came home with all her new stuff and played with her pink soccer ball every day until practice began. When her daddy took her to the first practice she scampered happily off to join the ranks of the Great Suburban American child as a soccer player.

Whew. Bullet dodged. We stuck to our guns and it worked. She was happy and loved soccer. We were super parents! Right.

All the patting ourselves on the back came to a screeching halt this weekend when it was time for her first game. She had spent the night at Nana and Papa's, and Nana was bringing her home to get ready for the game when I got the call. From Nana on her cell phone. Outside the house. Calmly, (she is a counselor, she knows how to talk to hysterical mothers even before they become hysterical) she tells me they have a bit of a dilemma, but that she is totally prepared to handle it. Just wants me to know. The dilemma being Cassidy doesn't want to come to her game, and as such has locked her out of the house and won't let her back in!!! Now I must interject that this is not typical. Noone has ever been locked out by Cassidy to my knowledge. This is obviously BIG. Oh, mercy. So Nana proceeds to tell me she has it "totally under control. Ccassidy doesn't know she has a key under the planter and as we speak she is unlocking the door." Except that she is smarter than Nana gave her credit for (which is super smart since Nana has been convinced since birth that she is gifted, absolutely gifetd. Perhaps a genius.) and has also locked the deadbolt. Nana decides she will call me back. OK then.

Ultimately Cassidy decides to let Nana in, and then defers to her backup plan of hiding in her closet until which time Nana encourages her to come out and come home so she can hand her over to her mother. So we can go to the game where she refuses to leave the hot, cramped van despite bribes of ice cream, littlest pet shop toys, and (wishful thinking from her sister) a nintendo. Thank goodness that one didn't work.

Finally Daddy arrives back from his 10K in Richmond (see- he is fun I tell you!) to join us on the sidelines. One word from daddy and she happily goes to him, lets him put her mouth guard in and trots across the field to join her teammates. Wow. Of course she does, she would do anything for her him. He is her hero.

I guess she is more like me every day!

"No, Mommy, don't get too close to me." (As I am gingerly pulling back the quilt to cuddle up beside her- typically her favorite place for me to be.)

"You don't want me to snuggle you?" (I secretly thought this request was because she didn't want me to catch her germs, after all, she has been asking all morning for me to cuddle her! Now that the linens have been changed on 3 beds , 2 loads of laundry have been tossed in, and lysoling of every hard surface has occurred, I am here to save the day with first class snuggling. )


"No, Mommy, I'm afraid if you get too close it might make me want to throw up."

"Um, ok."

I guess I have to keep this in perspective... she has been sick with a stomach flu since 5:00 this morning, a mere 30 minutes after her sister helped us greet the day with a vomit wake up call of her own.
I'm off to find my own space to rest for a few minutes, far away from the kiddos lest I inspire more throwing up by my mere proximity to them!

OK... I am going to try to post a second time... only 5 months after the first! Noone knows I have this blog, but if anyone who knows me ever read it they would NOT be surprised at my sporadic approach.

As I spent my quiet time with God this morning, crying out to "let me sense Him, to draw me near to Him", He led me to some writings that truly ministered to me in my struggles. Over the last year God has slowly but surely been separating me unto Him. He has been gracious in this process, and slowly pulled the bandaid of comfort off, when He so easily could have just yanked it with one mighty pull! But as I have gradually seen the loss of comfortable friendships and been forced to draw tightly to Him, I have also struggled with cooperating. I mean, I have been aware of what He has been doing, and yet I haven't done that which is required- spend more time with Him. Instead I have pulled away, as if daring Him to come get me and show me what He had for me.

This is not typical for me, to pull back. I crave intimacy with my Heavenly Father, and seek His presence like the air required to breathe. So what has this been? Is this what rebellion is? To know that God is my one true source and still refuse His counsel? Well I don't want to continue down this path. I want and need my Heavenly Father to be my guide, my source, my comforter and confidante. My God is a big God- He can handle my worries and insecurities and fears.

And so, this morning, as I read again about the 12 spies who were sent to check out the land of Canaan, I choose to be like Joshua and Caleb. I choose to believe God's Word over the appearance of insurmountable circumstances. I choose to believe that what God has promised will be. I choose to believe that God loves me and is looking out for me- it is ok for me to rest, knowing that the issues of this world are well taken care of by my God. I choose to believe... again.

Jeremiah 1:12 For I am alert and active, watching over my Word to perform it.

The first day of school.
My sweet baby is heading off to fourth grade at the upper elementary campus of her school- away from the safe cocoon of k-3 she has been sheltered in these past few years. They have prepared her beautifully... she has her wings and is SO ready to fly to the new destination. Eager to meet her new teacher and principal. Eager to see all her friends. Eager to be older and on the "big" campus. It is a whole new experience, dropping her off here. No longer does the teacher come and open the car door, greet her and guide her to her class lined up on the asphalt. Instead we pull up, she opens her own door and hops off into the unknown. My heart was in my stomach as she glanced back to check on me- her own face glowing with anticipation.
But this wasn't just a big step for Cailin... sweet little Cassidy will now catch the bus at this campus, which will take her back to our first haven of education- the lower elementary, the place where I learned to let go- a little. Now I am letting go a lot. She has never ridden a bus... I have always watched as she walked hand in hand with her teacher to join her classmates. Today as we arrive she gets the 'panic look' and says she doesn't want to ride the bus. Thankfully I can say to her that Daddy is here, he is waiting for her, and he will hold her hand and make sure she gets on the right bus. She is ok then, and follows Cailin out into the unknown as I pull away, wondering what is going on that I am missing!
I finally park and see my husband, beaming, as he waves at the windows of the bus. When I join him and try to get her attention she folds her arms and looks the other way. She is embarrassed by us... she is ok! It is ok for us to leave. After I drop Daddy off at his jeep and he heads to work and his own students, I fly to the lower campus and get there just in time to snap pictures of Cassidoodle coming off the bus and independently finding her own class. She did it. Alone. Yay baby! I am so proud of her. As her class files in she pretends she doesn't see me, but I see her sweet bashful smile and know she is proud too.
I huddle with my mommy friends in the parking lot, lingering long after the kids have gone in. We are hesitant to face these first few moments without them... and we rehash the craziness of the first morning in an effort to stay connected to them a little longer. Soon we will drop them off without a second thought and rush headfirst into the business of the day. But today is the first day.
After 4 first days of school plus 2 first days of prechool you would think I could drop them off without crying. You would think wrong.